Dani Boo and The Weird

I think my coworker, Dani Boo (so called because she told me she hates the nicknames "Dani" and "Boo", so I thought I'd combine them together to create a nickname she would love even more. I'm also the only one she allows to call her this. I think it's because she secretly likes it. Even if she won't admit it.) is figuring out how weird I am (and no, the nickname thing is not weird). 

You know how when you meet new people, especially new coworkers, you try to act "normal" and all that crazy stuff. Well, that's what I had been trying to do, but when you work with a person you spend more time with them then you do your actual family, so you can't hide it forever. Well at least I couldn't.

I know the exact moment she discovered I was slightly more strange in nature than your normal person. Not your average bean (is that even a saying?). 

It was months and months ago that Dani Boo was upset because she'd seen another coworker's Facebook opened on a computer and the person was talking crap about her with another coworker. Typical office drama.

So anyways, we were sitting next to each other and she had just gotten done venting to me about it in tears and I had gone about doing my own thing...typing away ferociously on my computer...on Facebook.

She looks over at me and yells, "YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING CRAP ABOUT ME ON FACEBOOK!!"

Me, in utter shock, throw my hands up in a sign of surrender and cower away from her and say in a whisper, "I'm talking about renting goats on Amazon. I swear."

She was so taken aback, probably the last thing she thought would ever come out of my moth (or if i think about she probably expected that phrase to come out of anyone's mouth...ever) she was completely speechless and looked a little dumbfounded. I continued to hold my hands in the air and go on, "Apparently you can't just rent one to play with for the afternoon. You have to get a bunch and they have to come and assess your land and set up fences and they come and check on them every so often and stuff."

Dani Boo started shaking her head and laughing, "I love you, Luna."

That's when her eyes were truly opened to who I really am a person. Weird. Someone how instead of gossiping about a coworker, like normal women, likes to talk about renting goats via Amazon (and in case you were wondering I never was able to rent them because they are not available in my area) . It was the first, but it definitely not the last she would see this weird side of me. And most times they end with head shakes and eye rolls and not all "I love you, Luna's"

Here are some of the few examples of head shake worthy moments: 

There's the time I read her boyfriend's Heating and Air Conditioning textbook that she was trying to return. I told her I liked to read textbooks as a hobby and I was sad when she took the book away from me.

Or how I've been talking insistently about my new D&D character. I am Isteth of Kailasa (translation: Knowledge/Lore of the Silver Mountain) High Elf of the Grey Mountain. I've been telling her all my backstory and drawing character pictures and everything. I'm pretty sure I'm driving her crazy.

I also accidentally ordered mini post-it notes that she hates, so I doodle pictures on them and then give them to other coworkers as gifts. She has gotten quite a few of them and I haven't heard her complain...that much. Once she complemented me on one and I gave it to a coworker (WHO WAS SICK) and she got mad because she said she had wanted it.

I confessed to her that I had a taxidermy collection and then, after telling me how gross and disturbing it was that I even had a taxidermy collection, I brought them all in for show and tell. She'll deny it to your face and probably tell you she looks at me in a different light, but I know she liked Reggie the Puffer Fish (the one she was claiming was the weirdest only the day before) way more than she let on.

Also, along those lines, she was complaining about a wisdom tooth engagement ring that was going around the internet and I told her I would not mention how I was looking at eye ball rings the night before (not that I was going to buy it...I was just looking at it. Please. I'm weird, but not that weird). 

Or there was the time I was obsessed with the question "could you taste your tongue" and kept talking about it for days while sticking my tongue in and out of my mouth (I make that sound like it was a long time ago but maybe it just started this week. And if anyone can answer the question please let me know). 

So maybe I'm a little weird and maybe now you know a little bit more about me then you ever wanted to know, but 'm okay with it and that's all that matters.

Amazon Prime Day (Today!)

Mona: I will now be sending you a list of what I want you to order on amazon as special gifts for me for because it is Amazon day tomorrow!

Me: Wait? Amazon day?

Mona: It is like Cyber Monday!

Mona: But better!

Mona: It is for Prime!

Me: Oh! Really? Or are you just making this up, so I buy you stuff?

Mona: No joke

Mona: Look http://www.amazon.com/b?ie=UTF8&node=11448061011

Me: Do they have the deals listed already or do we have to wait until tomorrow?

Mona: Not sure

Mona: That is all the info I know

Me: Then I think we have to wait until tomorrow to find out the sales.

Me: Remember all the good surprises I got you on black Friday!? I'm SO excited!

Mona: You need to try harder.

Me: I tried really hard last time!

Mona: No you didn't you just got yourself books!



I'm sorry I thought she would appreciate the entire Game of Thrones collection for $10! Or a replacement for my never returned Night Circus! I saw her read a book once!! Geez. 

Why Am I Happy To See You!?! I Don't Even Like You!

Have you ever felt a happy nostalgic feeling over something that you once hated, only because it reminded you of something you hadn't even realized you had forgotten in the first place? Because at that very moment you remembered the good old days of torture and terror with a smile and it instantly brightened your mood and gave you a weird "what is this" feeling? And you thought to yourself, "Why am I happy to see you!?! I don't even like you!" 

Well, I had such a moment the other day and it made me think of you...

...wait.

That didn't come out quite right. I didn't mean to imply I don't like you.

Oh, you're crying?

I'm sorry...I really didn't mean it that way!

Ahhh, you've been feeling neglected and were already thinking I didn't like you because I haven't talked to you in such a long time.

I see...

(nervously pauses to feel utterly guilty over my neglect because I really do love you and didn't mean to forget about you, but I'm terribly lazy and forgetful and I have no real sense of time or commitment.)

...well, anyways, I had such a moment the other day because of My Homicidal Villain! Yes, yes, the crazy lady who tried to kill her husband by poison who really likes to give me hugs (You can find out more or reread all about My Homicidal Villain HERE)

So, I was running around work doing work stuff, when in saunters none other than My Homicidal Villain and her husband. Until that very moment I hadn't realized it had been months since I've seen either of them! (Boy, the things you don't know your missing!)

I gave them a huge smile, because I was genuinely, or morbidly (I haven't decided yet), happy to see them.

And, here's the real kicker of the story folks, when Mrs. H.V. walked up me I, yes I mean me, opened my arms willing to give her a hug!

As I was going in for the hug it was like I was moving in slow motion. Internally I was screaming at my arms to stop. I looked down at my them like they had betrayed me; like they had been taken over by another being altogether, because the Luna LaBlue I know, would never in a million years initiate a hug with a homicidal villain.

Apparently...I know nothing about myself. 

Because I  hugged her and then I hugged the husband too.

They told me that they had been separated for the last few months (probably why I haven't seen them), but they just got back together and he has finally moved into her apartment.

I hesitantly said "oh, I'm happy to hear that?"  She said "Thanks! I am too!" very enthusiastically and he kinda shrugged his shoulders and scrunched up his face. I didn't know how to respond from there, so I very awkwardly said my goodbyes, they stood there awkwardly for another few minutes, and then all went our separate ways.

This encounter, like I mentioned previously, despite betraying myself by hugging them openly, left me feeling happy that I saw them. Unlike so long ago when I dreaded the mere mention of them. Seeing them now, after so long an absence, got me to thinking about when they would come in all the time and how uncomfortable that was and how I would literally hide under my desk to avoid them and how I would write about them in my blog and how I used to write in my blog all the time and how I should start writing in my blog again and then that lead to me actually writing in my blog and now that has lead to you actually sitting here reading my blog.

Think about that for a minute...

You are here right now reading this all because of a crazy lady, my crazy lady, my Homicidal Villain and her husband walking back into my life. 

And that kinda makes you a little happy too...doesn't it? 

#NewDay 5: Robotics

I BUILT A SOLAR POWERED ROBOT!!

Sure, it may have just been out of a little kit, but it is freaking exciting! Sorry my nerd is showing.

Robotics has been my topic of study as of late, I've been reading up about them on the internet and watching some Ted Talks on Robotics on Netflix (which I highly recommend), but I've never actually tired to build one before!

The only problem right now is the fact that I don't know if he actually works. Yet.

You see he's a SOLAR POWERED robot and the thing is right now work kinda steals all my sunshine throughout the week. I go to work and it's dark and I leave work and the sun is already setting on the horizon. Not so conducive to running solar powered robots.

You don't know how depressing it is to need the sun and not have it.

I was gonna go home on lunch today and try to run it in the -10 degree sunny weather, but then Becky wanted me to go eat Mexican food with her instead. I told her she was thwarting my plans to bring about world domination. Because of course I plan on taking over the world with my army of deadly robots. This tiny robot is obviously just my first step.

Weekend Wrap-Up

This New Years resolution is hard.

What was I thinking?!? Trying to do one new thing each day?!

It's really hard to think of new things to do. Especially when you are a creature of habit and really super lazy.

Mona really doesn't think I'll make it. She keeps telling me with her sarcastic voice and pity face, "You can do anything you put your mind to". When she says you can do anything you put your mind to she's really saying, "you are never going to do this", "let's set some realistic goals", and "don't quit your day job."

Real supportive that one.

I'm only going to keep going to spite her.

Watermelon Surprise

#NewDay 2

I went out Friday night with a friend and I told the Barkeep to surprise me with a girly fruity drink.  I don't go for the surprise drink especially of the girly fruity variety. And let me tell you, this drink did not change my mind about that.

It tasted, and looked, like a Watermelon Jolly Rancher. While I like Watermelon Jolly Ranchers, having it as a drink is a little overpoweringly sweet. It's definitely not something I would have ever ordered on my own, but it was worth the try and I finished the whole thing. Plus, now I know I don't like it.

#NewDay 3

I almost gave up on day 3. 

I was super super lazy. It was a Saturday. I had the apartment to myself, and living with three other girls, it's very rare to have the apartment to yourself for a whole day. I didn't want to do anything. 

It was around seven at night I still hadn't done anything. Not even gotten ready for the day. But I needed to leave the house. I needed food and a hairdryer (mine decided it only wants to work halftime. Leaving me with freezing hair in the winter...not good). 

I was just gonna skip it. I could order delivery and go with wet hair. Putting on real pants and makeup just seemed like too much work. 

Weird fact about me: I never leave the house without jeans/dress pants and makeup. 

Then I thought to myself, "Wait a minute! I NEVER leave the house without real pants and makeup!" 

Time to try something new!

I was going to brave the shopping world barefaced and in sweatpants!

So, I just got up and left. 

It was freeing and empowering experience. Although it wasn't empowering enough for me to take lasting photo proof. I sent Mona a Snapchat that would be gone from evidence within five seconds, just to prove to her I did something new for the day so she couldn't give me crap, but that's it.  

Honestly, I don't know why I've never gone out of the house like this before. It's not like a wear an overpowering amount of makeup or always have to be dressed to the nines. I guess I just feel like a slob walking around in my pajama's and not getting my washing and prepping my face for the day.  

But it was nice. I might do this one more often. 

#NewDay 4

"I got that red lip classic thing that you like" 

Speaking of makeup. It was on my mind when I was out shopping without it. 

While I always wear makeup out of the house, it's not a crazy lot of makeup. I try to keep it very natural. I don't like to draw a lot of attention to myself. Attention tends to make me uncomfortable. Yes, I'm a little awkward and weird. Don't mind me. 

But this whole new branching out and trying new things thing got me thinking why not go a little bold and crazy. Go on. So I bought some red lipstick. It seems to really work for T. Swift. 

It think it worked for me too. I got a lot of complements like: 

"You look 'really' really nice. Like more than usual" 

"Sexy babe"

"You're going to attract all of the men" 

"Your face looks better than mine!" 

"I could see you coming from across the room and I love it",  

and my personal favorite:

"I was going to comment on your Instagram picutre, but I thought that would make you uncomfortable", 

That last one about sums me up when it comes to complements, but I think I'm keeping the lipstick. 

Happy New Year #NewDay 1

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Welcome to the year 2015! The year of Back To The Future 2!

I know I've been a little bit missing in action as of late, but you know with the new year comes new goals and this year's number one goal is to start up blogging again! Lucky YOU!! (lucky me too, I've really missed it.) 

Also, as another goal, I've decided I'm going to try and live a little more glamorous, keep you on the edge of your seats lifestyle. Girl gone wild type stuff. And by "gone wild" I mean I'm just gonna try doing one new little thing each day this year, without giving up by February. (Mona doesn't think I can do it) 

It's not gonna be anything super big, but something to get me out of my comfort zone. Try something new. It will be educational. And I might find some new things I really like!

Yesterday, DAY 1, #NewDay 1, I watched stand up comedy on Netflix. I've never watched stand up before and I thought I might try it. See what I like. See if I even liked it.

What I discovered...

1. There is a lot of stand up comedy I do not like. Stand up can be really crude and it can also be really boring. Neither of which I like very much.

2. They all have surprising long intros to their videos. It's creepy. This one had a 20 minute introduction video to the stand up comedy portion. I ended up just fast forwarding over it it was so weird!

3. I like Keven Hart and John Mulaney. If you have any recommendations based on these two comedians (who are really very different) please let me know!

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR NEW YEAR'S GOALS?

Power

Talking on Facebook chat about the fear of getting questioned by the surveyors who give national accreditation to Healthcare Organizations at our place of employment.

Me: They literally just walked out the doors as I was walking in from lunch.

Me: I didn't make eye contact in case they changed their minds and wanted to ask more questions.

Becky: Lucky for you. I thought I was golden going to lunch at 11 but as soon as I clocked back in a 12 they were on my floor. 

Me: Now we've got another three years before we have to try to avoid them again.

Me: I would like that job.

Mom: You would? Check into it

Me: To be able to strike fear into people's hearts with just the mere knowledge I'm in the building.

Mom: Luna, you are horrible!

Me: What?!?

Me: It's called power, mother.

Mom: Okay...

Chat Conversation End

10 Book Challenge

There's this thing going around Facebook. It's call the 10 Book Challenge. It's where you list 10 books that you have read that have stuck with you in some way. They don't have to be the best or your favorite, they just have to have effected your life in a way that made them unforgettable. 

I think people have caught on to the fact that I like to read because I was nominated by three different people. 

There were SO many books that I have read that could have made this list, but the only let me have 10, so these are those most endearing. I know them for their life lessons, pure enjoyment, and found memories.  

1. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
This is my all time favorite book. I love absolutely everything about it. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” This helped me to really see things from other's points of view.


2. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” I love the opening line to this book. The idea that life can be both good and bad at the same time and it’s not what should define you or your perspective. In the book this idea applies not only to times, but to people as well. It helped me to look at people I don’t care for a little differently and not always assume the worst of them.

3. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
This book was absolute magic.

4. Where The Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
I remember laying in my bed as a kid until two in the morning sobbing my eyes out. this was the most traumatic book of my childhood.

5. Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
The phenomenon of my generation.

6. A Walk To Remember By Nicholas Sparks
The traumatic book of my teens. I compare this to today's Fault In Our Stars.

7. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom
This is the first biography I read about the Holocaust. Hard to believe those things are true.

8. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
This book introduced me to mystery and intrigue. It was the only book I have ever reread.

9. The Princess Bride by William Goldman
Full of adventure and romance and R.O.U.S’s. What more do you need?

10. The Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn
These books were not that great. Teenage romance type stuff. What make them such a memorable part of my life was that it was during my “rebellious stage”. I wasn't allowed to read them because my mother thought they would ruin my mind and give me a false ideas of love. But Instead of listening to her I snuck them home from the library and read them in the middle of the night so she wouldn't catch me. The most unbelievable thing is that years later she BOUGHT them for my sister to try and bribe her to read! This taught me that life is unfair and opinions can change.

What are some of the books that have stuck with you? 

When I Was Gone

How do I start...

I've been gone for a minute and now I'm back! Ta-da! 

I know I left rather abruptly with no explanation, but my life has been rather abrupt and without explanation so it seems fitting.

I kept telling myself, "Luns, tomorrow you won't have to do two jobs or work twelve hours or maybe you won't want to pass out as soon as you get home and you can have a real life. Tomorrow you'll be able to breath. Tomorrow you'll find time to write something." 

As you can tell that worked out real well. I was full of tomorrows. Well tomorrow is now today. And Today will never be tomorrow again before it turns into next week and before you know it will be Thursday...and I forgot where I was going with this metaphor...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, things are starting to look up. 

As far as this past month or two, I don't want to go into too many messy details, because these are real people with real problems who I really do care about, but there were things happening such as missing people, multiple medical leaves, car crashes, last minute schedule changes, overtime, psych wards, gossip, threats, lies, tears, frustrations, pink slips, demotions, grievances, and lawsuits, and TONS AND TONS AND TONS other people's paperwork*. 

And that's all just at my day job!

Sometimes it seems like I'm the only stable person at my job...and that's not saying too much.

But, like I said, things are starting to look up because I now have a coworker. She is here. She shows up everyday. I'm really not asking a lot.

*If I never had to see another piece of paper I would die a happy women

Here Nerds

Mona: Here nerds. Feast.

Buy Tickets Here

Becky: OMG!!! We ARE going!

Me: And you were just wondering where to wear your TARDIS dress, Becky!

Condescending Scold: We Have Pamphlets On That

Me: I might have just nicely told a patient to be proactive about her healthcare.

Mona: Weird.

Me: She was trying to get me to do stuff for her next month when all it would take is for her to call her doctor today and take two seconds.

Becky: lol That was such a mature way to scold someone.

Mona: Right?

Me: I really just wanted to say "Hell, no. You are a grown ass woman. Do it yourself."

Mona: I like the first one. It is more a condescending scold.

Me: And more professionally acceptable. I can't get fired for encouraging someone to be proactive about their healthcare. We have pamphlets on that.

Famdamly Facebook Convo: Lobsters

That's it. I've decided. My family is stupid. 

I get really excited about something super cool and I just want to share these super cool things with them because they are super cool and I get shut down. I'll be talking about it and they literally tell me to stop. That or they just stop listening. Rude right?

Here's an example from our Famdamly Facebook Convo today: 

Mom: Luna, what do you call female lobsters?

Me: A hen. Why?

Mom: You knew that?

Me: No.

Mom: You looked it up to seem smart

Me: I just looked it up to know.

Mom: Oh...

Me: Next time I'm asked I'll know

Mom: So now you know.

Me: Why did you want to know?

Mom: Just seen it and wanted to see if you knew, if not i knew you would like to know.

Me: Do you know what the male lobster is called?

Mom: No

Me: A cock

Mom: Oh no...we heard a song about that....(I did not ask about the song)

Mona: Lololol

Me: And a group of lobsters is called a pod, deck, or shield. And if you are ordering a group to eat it's called by a box

Mom: Overboard.

Me: Also based off my previous knowledge of lobsters...they used to be considered the rats of the sea and it even against the law to feed them to prisoners because it was so inhumane.

Mom: Overload.

Me: Don't you want to know how to tell the difference between a male and female?!? One has soft parts and the other has hard parts.

Mom: Get back to work!

Me: Fine I won't tell you that the largest recorded lobster was 44 lbs or that's it's illegal to use the boiling method in some places. Like Reggio Emilia, Italy.You could be fined over $600!

Did you know they're cannibals?!?! A young lobsters greatest predictor is their parents!

How are you guys not fascinated by this??!?!?

Mom: I just want to put them in a pot boil them, butter them, and eat them...that's it! 

Me: Were you not listening to a word I said! That could cost you hundreds of dollars! 

Mom: Only if i live in Italy! Hello! We are in Wisconsin

Me: I didn't say it was only in Italy.. I was just giving you an example.

Mom: It is not illegal

Me: Have you checked recently?

Mom: I will gladly go to jail, to eat a lobster by boiling.

Me: Next thing I know you'll have turn into a cannibal and you'll start eating your young.

A girl can't get anything thanks for trying to keep her mother out of jail! I don't know how you wouldn't want to know all this super cool stuff about lobsters! It's not nerdy at all.

School Is For Fools

School. Sucks.

Who's idea was it to go back to school after 4 years and further my education? Whoever it was they were a complete idiot! (This is just the stress talking. Getting an education is really a good thing)

Anyways, schools the reason I've been a little MIA this last week or two or so...I don't even know the days anymore. All I've been doing is studying, writing papers, and taking tests. I've had no time for real life whatsoever.

I have hardly been in contact with humans and the one time I am I manage to make it embarrassing.

So, a thing about me...I'm a slob. It's just a fact. Right now my room is a complete and utter disaster. And during finals I have even less time and desire to clean. So it's worse than normal.

I take all of my tests online with a webcam supplied by my school. When it comes to test time I just shove all of my mess into piles away from view of the camera. No problem. Normally. Normally the video camera is attached to a faceless nameless person who I have no contact with whatsoever. I set up the camera, make sure it's connected, and go.

Well, apparently that's not happening this year. This year they upgraded their system. This year a face and name are talking to me through my webcam. This year a relatively attractive male named Greg is attached the webcam. This year they made me look this man in the eyes and give my camera a 360 degree turn around my room. Around my disaster of a room! I just did it. There was nothing I could do at that point. There was no getting around it. I didn't mention the mess. I acted like this was normal and perfectly acceptable to have 100 fast food cups and piles of dirty clothes thrown all over the room.When I finished there was a long pause and the he said "um, okay. I guess that's good." I could hear the embarrassment in his voice. I ignored it.

Let's just say for my last test this week I will be cleaning my room a bit.

After Labor Day I'll be back to my normal blogging...if I don't die from exams that is. If you don't hear from me again inform the police education killed me.          

Employee Patients Are The Worst

Any job where you have to deal with people can be rough, but working in healthcare and having other healthcare workers as the patients is by far THE WORST THING EVER IN EXISTENCE!!! They are needy and pushy and rude and think themselves privileged beyond all means. Telling me everything I do wrong or every thing that could be better or fixed does not endear me to you. The phrase "I need this time because of my work schedule" does not hold anymore weight with me then any other person who steps up to my desk. Do you think I lie and tell you it's unavailable for kicks? No. I would rather not hear you huff and puff thank you very much.

Today this lady takes the cake...

Me: How can I help you today?

Employee Patient (EP): I need to make an appointment.

Me: Okay. Will that be for Physical Therapy or Orthotics?

EP: Orthotics.

Me: Okay. And what kind of Orthotics were you needing?

EP: I don't know. Dr. R. sent me.

Me: Well, were you needing Diabetic shoes, inserts for arch support, a face mask, a full body jacket...?

EP: I guess inserts.

Me: Okay then. My first opening is going to be next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Oh. I can't just walk in and be seen?

Me: No, I'm sorry we do that by appointment and my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: You don't have anything Monday or Tuesday?

Me: No, I'm sorry my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Do you have something around noon?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have.

EP: What about later?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have available.

EP: I guess I'll just quit my job then.

Me: I can check a later date if you were looking for a specific time?

EP: I'll just take the 2:00.

Does He Know You Too Well?

No, I'm not talking about your significant other...I'm talking about the Asian Bistro Delivery guy. And I'm also talking about Mona, not myself, of course. And the answer is yes, yes he does know us too well. 

This new Asian Bistro place opened up about a month ago and we all love it.  We may order delivery once or twice or more a week between us. Is that a sin? 

The first warning sign that we might be eating it a little bit to much was when I order it for dinner and the delivery guy said, "Oh, this is the second time he's been here today." Do you know how if feels to have those words sound when they are spoken directly to your face by the Asian Bistro Delivery Guy?!? He made me sound like a pig, that's what it feels like. It's extremely offensive is what it is! That's not how you want your delivery guy to make you feel! See if I order from the Asian Bistro again! See if I ever open this door again!! See if I ever give you a tip again, Mister Mouthy!!! Okay, okay, so maybe I gave him the same amount of tip I always give him. I didn't go completely crazy. He does control my main food source. What's that saying..."don't bit the hand that feeds you." So, I tipped the guy and swore up and down it wasn't me, but I'm still not sure he really believed me. 

Then yesterday Mona was at my parents house (we crash there all of Shark Week, because we are too cheap to pay for Discovery Channel) and she messages Becky and I on our Facebook Biffs chat:

Mona: "Oh you are at a different house today" Be proud, not ashamed, Mona!!! HE KNOW ME! My response "I'm not afraid, to eat Asian. Everyday of my life"

Becky: What? Are you talking to yourself again?

Mona: No. That is what the delivery guy said "different house today"

Becky: Ohhhh lol embarrassinggg...

Mona: No.

Me: At least you're unforgettable. Too bad it's not that first super cute one that remembers you. (I’m ashamed to admit I know exactly what delivery guy she is referring to)

Mona: That would be worse. I couldn't handle that.

Me: You’re right. You would probably stop ordering Asian takeout if that happened.

Becky: That’s impossible! You wouldn't give up Asian takeout!

Me: You underestimate her awkwardness with the opposite sex.

Mona: Thank you Luna.

So, you may say he knows us a little to well if he recognizes Mona outside of our home. Honestly, I think he sees Mona more than I see Mona. Oh, I wonder if she stared dating him we could get free Asian Bistro? I mean we'd at least get a discount, right? At the very least we'd get our two dollar delivery charge waved. 

My Homicidal Villain

Yesterday's post about crazy patients who could possibly murder me made me nostalgic over the first tales of My Homicidal Villain. Sure there have been other crazies and even bomb threats (did I tell you guys about the bomb threat? I can't remember?) since her, but she was my first. The first patient to strike fear into my heart and really make me reconsider my career choices.

If you've had the pleasure of following me for the last year (in which case I find you slightly crazy for sticking around after this story), you probably remember her well. She's hard to forget, at least for me anyways. If you haven't been reading my blog since the beginning of time (or last year, whatever way you want to look at it), you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, let me tell you! This is a terrifying tale of love, betrayal, fear, attempted murder, and a poor receptionist learning never to leave her coffee cup unattended! Yes, my life is basically a sexy crime novel. If you don't believe me take a look for yourself!

The Tale of the Homicidal Villain:

Part One: The Victim

Part Two: The Homicidal Villain

Part Three: The Coward

Okay, so maybe not as sexy as sad, but it's still full of mystery and intrigue! Right?

Well, I haven't written anything about them since I hid under my desk like a coward. I don't know if this is from shear embarrassment or my unwilling acceptance of the truth that I'll never be done with them.

In case you were wondering the lovely couple did end up reconciled. That's right. He went back to her after she tried to murder him. Last I heard he moved back in and locked up his meds, so she couldn't get at them to commit premeditated murder by slowly poisoning him.

They still come into the clinic more than any reasonable person should be allowed. It's creepy. I still see them here at least once a week. They either wave at me from across the clinic, and by that I mean they yell and wave across an entire building until they get my attention and I wave back, or, if there're not in a hurry, which is about 50% of the time, they stop by for a hug. I've learned to just grit my teeth and get it over with. It's the fastest way to make them leave.

 So, yeah, this is still my hell. I've just learned to accept it. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome...as in I'll probably start liking it soon. Wait...I'm already using words like nostalgia to describe the start of this awkward and horrifying situation!!!! Nostalgia is associated with happy memories! What is wrong with me!??! This is not happy! This is HORRIBLE!! I'm going to throw up now. And remember what I am to them. Their puppet. An unwilling participant in their torture hugs!

I've Been Robbed!

It's Friday afternoon five minutes after a patient's (who I've had problems with before...see The Phone Call) scheduled appointment time when the phone rings. I answer it. 

The Late Patient (in a loud hysterical voice): (in background) What the @#$%! Shut up! Get the @#$% up!

Me: Um...hello?

Patient (still hysterical): (to me) I'VE BEEN ROBBED!! (to someone else) I don't @#$%^& care!

Me: Oookkaaayyyyy?

Patient: I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN I'VE BEEN ROBBED!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?!?

Me: Um...yes? So, I'll cancel your appointment? (patient hangs up the phone) Okay then... 

Twenty minutes later the phone rings again.

Me: Hello [Medical Clinic Name] this is Luna. How may I help you? 

Patient (in a very serious and threatening voice): I want you to understand that I was robbed. That is why I did not come in. I was robbed. (this is her trying not to get fired from our practice) Someone stole my disk. My last disk. I was robbed. That's why I couldn't come in. I want to make another appointment. Can I make another appointment? 

Me: (per our policy she was done two canceled visits ago. We've given her all the extra chances we can) I'm sorry I cannot make that appointment. You will have to talk to the Physical Therapist.

Patient: I WAS ROBBED!!!

Me: I understand you were robbed, but you still have to talk to the Physical Therapist before I can schedule anymore appointments. Can I have her give you a call back when she is able?

Patient: Fine! (The phone line goes dead)

You know, the thing about this conversation that bugs me the most is not that she missed her appointment, or that she called to cancel after the fact, or even that she was yelling at me, or swearing at her teenage daughter in the background, it't that I don't know what's on that stupid disk and why it's SO important!!!

Part of me really, really wanted to ask her, but I felt like it would have been highly inappropriate. That and the fact that I think she's crazy enough to say "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," and really mean it. 

Example: I had a voice-mail waiting when I got into work this morning. On the message there was no talking, no breathing, just someone playing For Elise on the piano. It wasn't the normal butt dial type phone call I get. You know the the rustling sounds of being in a pocket or a purse or the realization that they have the phone on. Nothing. It was crisp and clear. Just the piano. And it wasn't like "please hold" type piano music. It was someone playing. I know because it was poorly played. The sound blunt and choppy and a there were a few mistakes. After about a minute the phone just disconnects. The piano never stopping. Again, it was out of the ordinary. Normally the message goes on until the space on the voice-mail ends. This time someone intentionally hung up the phone. Without a change in sound. Quiet except for the piano. It was super creepy. 

I ran the caller ID number though our system and...it was her. She called and left me this message. Intentionally. All because I wouldn't reschedule her appointment! 

Okay, sure, I could be over reacting a little bit. Sure it could have just been a butt dial. But I thought it was weird before I knew it was her. It being this person. This lady makes it worse. It literally gave me the chills!

I think I might need to quit my job. 

Don't Quote That!

I've decided to stop talking to Mona.

Why you may ask? Facebook. She has decided to start quoting everything I say on Facebook!!! Okay, so maybe she's only done it twice, but still! Both quotes were taken completely out of context and make me sound insane!!


The First Facebook Quote:

"Speaking of surrogates...Squid Vaginas. 
Not a lot is known about them"

First of all, I was misquoted! The "..." part of the conversation, which Mona so conventionally claims she didn't hear, I said "I read an article today about". Go, on. Go back and reread the sentence replacing the missing words. See? It sounds way less weird. Okay, so maybe it's still a little weird that I'm reading articles about squid vaginas in the first place and talking about them, but not as weird as Mona made it out to be. Right? [If you're so inclined here's the article in question: Squid Lady Parts]

Second, she fails to mention the reason we were "speaking of surrogates" to begin with. Mona has been trying to pimp out my vagina and uterus for the last several months so we can make $20,000 to help us open our coffee shop. Try and tell me that's not worse! That's WAY worse than me talking about squid vaginas!

The Second Facebook Quote:

"I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men"

COMPLETELY TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!!! She makes me sound like a whore! Did I actually say that out loud? Well, yes. Those words did come out of my mouth, but in my defense, it's not what it sounds like! I swear!

It went down something like this:

Me: I'm thinking about joining a dating website. (A highly unusual thing to come out of my mouth) 

Mona: What?!? (she said shocked) Why? (she asked suspiciously) 

Me: Well, it's just that OkCupid...

[you know the dating site that admitted to experimenting on their customers]

Mona: No, you can not join a dating website to experiment with men. (creepy...she knows me too well) 

A few hours later at dinner with Dad...

Mona: Tell him what you told me earlier.

Me: About what?

Mona: You know.

Me: Oh...I told Mona I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men. (wait, I don't think that didn't come out right?) 

Mona: What?!?! (hysterical laughing) I'm quoting that on Facebook!

Me: Not again!

Let me just clarify what I meant by "experiment". I meant it as more of a social experiment type thing. Like is love really blind? Will they like me more if I have certain pictures or bios? What if I'm more open or more mysterious? How does perception change thinking? Those types of things. Not anything strange. Okay, it's still weird. I was just thinking about it.I won't actually do it.

I honestly think Mona is lashing out and posting these things out of spite. You conduct one or two social experiments on your sister and you'd think it was the end of the world! I gave her fair warning! It's not my fault she felt manipulated! But that's a story for day.

Like I said at the beginning. I'm done talking to Mona. That will solve all of my problems! 

Year 1: How Blogging Has Made Me Less Confident

HAPPY 1 YEAR BLOGIVERSARY 
TO
MY LOWERCASE LIFE!!

We've made it people! We've beat the odds, whatever those may be, and we survived a whole year!

I feel a little bit proud of myself, okay I feel a lot proud of myself, for making it this far! I normally get distracted by shinny new objects, like a raccoon, and don't stick to a hobby very long. Okay, so maybe a raccoon is not the most flattering thing to compare myself to in this situation, but it's better than comparing myself to a pack rat! Although, now that I think about it, a pack rack might be a better comparison when it comes to my shiny new hobbies. I'm kind of what you might call...umm...a hobby collector? What that means is I have a million and one different hobbies and projects that I'm currently working on. Sadly most of said hobbies and projects lay unfinished in the path of my forgotten memories. And by that I mean I forget about them and leave them in an ever growing path around my apartment. I have hobby debris thrown in my bedroom, the living room, basement, and I even have some junk stuck out in my car. It's terrible. Thankfully blogging is a little less messy than some of my other eccentric hobbies (like right now I'm trying to become an expert knot tyer and a marine biologist. I have rope and fish books all over the place) and I haven't abandoned blogging yet, so it's not in that pile of forgotten memories or whatever mumbo jumo I spun a few sentences ago. 

Oh boy! That paragraph kind of got away from me... You would think after blogging for a whole year I'd be much better at this! Now, where was I going with this post? Oh, yes!  One year of blogging.

When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I was getting myself into. I was bored and had nothing better to do, so I thought "why not?" I had recently started following few blogs for the first time (I know I'm a little behind the times, but not that much, blogging only started around the 1990s) and it was all so new and exciting for me. I didn't have any real goals or plans as far as my blog went. I kinda dove in head first. It has been a true "uncharted journey" (as I so eloquently put in my About Me page. The things I come up with...). 

For me, and probably you as well, I've found this blog to be a hodgepodge mess of funny and slightly embarrassing stories from my life and travels, a emotional roller coaster full of my joys and trials, unusually placed poems and fiction from my vast imagination, a strange compilation of lists of things I like and dislike, and a little bit of my crazy thrown in (okay, so maybe a lot of my crazy thrown in). Let's just say you can come here everyday and never really know what you're going to find.

As far as the journey goes I've learned A LOT about myself though blogging. More then I could ever have anticipated. One thing I said to myself when I started this blog was that I'd always be honest. With you and with myself. Being honest with you is the easy part. I can tell you guys absolutely anything! You are best listeners! Being honest with myself on the other hand is hard. It's easy to brush off thoughts and emotions without giving them a second thought, especially the darker scarier ones. The ones about things that go bump in the night.  Those are the hard truths to face. Truths about myself I didn't know existed until I forced myself to write them down. Our words have power. Words make things real. Blogging had made me see myself in a different light. I'm darker and more messed up then I realized and that slightly terrifies me. I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did. What other things could I be hiding from myself? Maybe I'm not as smart and funny as I think? Maybe I'm not as nice as I think? Maybe everybody hates me? I guess you could say blogging has made me question myself. I'm less confident about myself as a person than I was a year ago. I've found that I have fears and flaws just like everyone else. I am human! Who knew?!? Not me. I like to think that I'm above humanly flaws and failures (would this be considered stuck up?). I know Mona will be shocked as I am. She thinks I'm perfect!

So while I may find myself less confident than I was a year ago, I am happier. Now I know you may be doubting this with my post about depression the other day, but it's true. Forcing myself to write about my depression, admitting that it was real, freed me from the lies I was telling myself. I had to face my fears. And for that I'm lighter. Happier. I may know more about flaws and failures, but I'm okay with that. I'm glad for it. I can be less confident in myself and happier knowing more about myself at the same time. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe blogging has really made me go crazy and I just haven't realized it yet!

Before I let you go, there is one more thing I discovered about myself through blogging this year! I am a lot weirder than I ever thought I was. Some of the things I say? Don't tell me you haven't noticed? Oh well. I guess I'll embrace that too.

So, thank you for sticking around and joining me on this crazy journey of my self discovery. With this new year of blogging afoot, I hope to set off proudly as a less confident, happier, weirder, and just as crazy as always blogger! Cheers to years to come!

7 Reasons Why I Hate Answers.com

You know what I'm talking about...those stupid Facebook Ads! 

1. They are everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Almost every other post on my news feed is from Answers.com about things from 14 Child Actors Who Disappeared From Film to 10 Foods You Used To Love That Are No Longer Made. Every. Where.

2. They are about the dumbest stuff. 7 Celebrities Who Got Pregnant In Their Teens isn't exactly the most educational piece of literature ever written.

3. Nobody really wants the answers. Who really wants to know what 5 Overhyped TV Shows We Expected To Be Better...oh, I really was expecting Super Fun Night to be better..sorry where was I? Yeah. Nobody wants to know that.

4. You have to do a thousand and one clicks just to get through all the answers. They track clicks at work people. If you get in trouble do you really want to tell your boss it's because you needed to know the 16 Celebrities You Probably Didn't Know Were Childhood Friends.  I don't think so.

5. They are actually REALLY boring. They are never as scandalous as advertised. We all know Demi Moore was one of the 10 Woman Who Married Younger Men! Come on! You finish and realize that was a complete waste of time.

6. They are never ending. As soon as you finish one they move right on to the next topic. Sometimes it takes a few slides for you to realize we've moved on. And you only figure it out because you are pretty sure Morgan Freeman is NOT one of the 6 Hollywood Good Girls Who Aren't Actually All That Sweet...you know Morgan Freeman is really as sweet as he seems. But by the time you figure out where you are you need to finish and find out who the 5 Best Male Voices In The Movie Industry are. You am invested.

7. THEY GET ME EVERY STUPID TIME!!! I can't not click them. It's humanly impossible. I try to scroll past it, but something in my head NEEDS to know the 14 Good Girls Who Went Bad On Screen.

I think I need an intervention...somebody help me please!