Employee Patients Are The Worst

Any job where you have to deal with people can be rough, but working in healthcare and having other healthcare workers as the patients is by far THE WORST THING EVER IN EXISTENCE!!! They are needy and pushy and rude and think themselves privileged beyond all means. Telling me everything I do wrong or every thing that could be better or fixed does not endear me to you. The phrase "I need this time because of my work schedule" does not hold anymore weight with me then any other person who steps up to my desk. Do you think I lie and tell you it's unavailable for kicks? No. I would rather not hear you huff and puff thank you very much.

Today this lady takes the cake...

Me: How can I help you today?

Employee Patient (EP): I need to make an appointment.

Me: Okay. Will that be for Physical Therapy or Orthotics?

EP: Orthotics.

Me: Okay. And what kind of Orthotics were you needing?

EP: I don't know. Dr. R. sent me.

Me: Well, were you needing Diabetic shoes, inserts for arch support, a face mask, a full body jacket...?

EP: I guess inserts.

Me: Okay then. My first opening is going to be next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Oh. I can't just walk in and be seen?

Me: No, I'm sorry we do that by appointment and my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: You don't have anything Monday or Tuesday?

Me: No, I'm sorry my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Do you have something around noon?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have.

EP: What about later?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have available.

EP: I guess I'll just quit my job then.

Me: I can check a later date if you were looking for a specific time?

EP: I'll just take the 2:00.

My Homicidal Villain

Yesterday's post about crazy patients who could possibly murder me made me nostalgic over the first tales of My Homicidal Villain. Sure there have been other crazies and even bomb threats (did I tell you guys about the bomb threat? I can't remember?) since her, but she was my first. The first patient to strike fear into my heart and really make me reconsider my career choices.

If you've had the pleasure of following me for the last year (in which case I find you slightly crazy for sticking around after this story), you probably remember her well. She's hard to forget, at least for me anyways. If you haven't been reading my blog since the beginning of time (or last year, whatever way you want to look at it), you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, let me tell you! This is a terrifying tale of love, betrayal, fear, attempted murder, and a poor receptionist learning never to leave her coffee cup unattended! Yes, my life is basically a sexy crime novel. If you don't believe me take a look for yourself!

The Tale of the Homicidal Villain:

Part One: The Victim

Part Two: The Homicidal Villain

Part Three: The Coward

Okay, so maybe not as sexy as sad, but it's still full of mystery and intrigue! Right?

Well, I haven't written anything about them since I hid under my desk like a coward. I don't know if this is from shear embarrassment or my unwilling acceptance of the truth that I'll never be done with them.

In case you were wondering the lovely couple did end up reconciled. That's right. He went back to her after she tried to murder him. Last I heard he moved back in and locked up his meds, so she couldn't get at them to commit premeditated murder by slowly poisoning him.

They still come into the clinic more than any reasonable person should be allowed. It's creepy. I still see them here at least once a week. They either wave at me from across the clinic, and by that I mean they yell and wave across an entire building until they get my attention and I wave back, or, if there're not in a hurry, which is about 50% of the time, they stop by for a hug. I've learned to just grit my teeth and get it over with. It's the fastest way to make them leave.

 So, yeah, this is still my hell. I've just learned to accept it. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome...as in I'll probably start liking it soon. Wait...I'm already using words like nostalgia to describe the start of this awkward and horrifying situation!!!! Nostalgia is associated with happy memories! What is wrong with me!??! This is not happy! This is HORRIBLE!! I'm going to throw up now. And remember what I am to them. Their puppet. An unwilling participant in their torture hugs!

Pink Slip

Dee (blacklisted Dee) had her 90 day review yesterday. Let's just say she won't be with us any longer.

No, I didn't kill her. I just played a part in getting her fired.

It should be a warning to you all, it's may be hard to get on my bad side, but if you do...
Beware!!!

I have these weird feelings of Power and Guilt all mixed up in my head

Power, because I got someone fired from their job. Quite little me, who never cries, complains, or tattles to the boss. Who can work with anyone and puts up with anything. Who takes abuse. See what happens when you push me too far? See what I can do? (okay, so this power trip is a little bit in my head, I really went to my boss meekly and just told her the problems I was having and that I didn't know what to do. My part was only small, but let me have my power struggle).

And Guilt, because I played a part it getting a woman fired from her job. She will be without money. She talked to me about how much having a solid income meant to her. She walked to work everyday because she couldn't afford a car and she was happy she didn't have to worry about money anymore. She talked about music with me and complimented me on the songs I've written and how good of a trainer I was
How am I not suppose to feel guilty for being in constant communication with my boss about what she did wrong?

With the two deeply intertwined I am constantly at war within myself.

Okay, now that I'm done being overly dramatic, I am sorry that it didn't work out for her sake, but I'm also relieved that I no longer have to work with her.

Charles Conspiracy Theory

I think dark and twisted forces are at work to destroy my life.

Let me give you a little bit of back story to set up this situation of pure evil.

Back in July, I had this patient, we will call her Anna, who would come in all the time to see Leslie for braces. Every single time she came in or called she would try to set me up with her Nephew. Our conversations would go something like this:

Anna: Are you still single?

Me: Yes? (gosh, why don't I just lie in these situations) 

Anna: You really need to go out with my Nephew.

Me: Ummm.....I don't have time. Sorry. (oh please, please just let this go)

Anna: He works as a bartender. (Is that suppose to make me like him more?)

Anna: I'm gonna give him your work phone number. (Hell, no. I'll hang up the phone! Okay, so maybe I would politely tell him that he seems like a really great guy...but I'm just unable to go out with him at this time in my life)

Me: But there is my job and school and....I am just way too busy. (Maybe she sees the panic in my eyes and will let it drop now) 

Anna: You need to take a break sometime. Don't you want someone to hold your hand while you watch the fireworks on the Forth? (Gulp, did that sound like a threat?)

Me: ha. ha. (Why isn't she getting the hint!)

Anna: Will you at least think about it? (NO!)

Me: Yeah, I'll think about it. (Thought about it and it's still NO!)

Anna: I'm gonna make him drive me to my next appointment. (...!!)

Me: ha. ha.

Thankfully she didn't come in again. That is until last month.

Anna: You really missed out!

Me: What?

Anna: My nephew has gone and got himself engaged. That could have been you! You could have been my niece!

Me: Oh man! (Thank God) 

She came and went and I thought about how I had "missed out" on being her niece. I can't say I cried about it.

Then Friday happened.

Leslie, who she normally sees for her braces, is out on medical leave until February. The person who covers for Leslie is Charles. Yes that Charles.

Anyway, she was suppose to see him Friday, but with the weather she called to cancel her appointment.

Anna: I'm sorry I don't get to meet Charles today. I was really looking forward to it. Is he nice?

Me: Yes, he is a great (talking about in a professional way...like I am suppose to do...because it's my job), we can get you in with him next week if you still want to see him. (Me, again, being professional and doing my job) 

Anna: Is he single?

Me: Ummm...yes? (Is she looking for someone?)

Anna: Because I wanted to try and set you two up. (WHAT!! HELL NO!)

Me: Uh..no..I...umm...I don't...

Anna: Is he ugly? Is that why you don't want to go out with him?

Me: No...it's...just...no...he's alright...I just...I don't...(Pull it together you blubbering idiot!) 

Anna: You're just not looking for someone right now?

Me: Yes. (Oh, thank God, yes she gets it) 

Anna: I still want to meet this Charles.

Me: When you reschedule we can still get your appointment with him. (or not) 

I don't know why everyone is out to get me to go out with Charles. Even patients who have never met Charles are in on it. It's a conspiracy of pure evil.

My mother has started referring to him as my boyfriend to my extended family!!!

You accidentally go to a movie with a guy ONE TIME and everyone thinks your dating. I am never going to the movies with anyone ever again!!

Okay so maybe that's a little over exaggerated...I love going to the movies. So, I will never go alone with a guy again!

But then my mother might start thinking I like the ladies.

Maybe I should just go myself from now on. It will save me the trouble.

Back to Work

First day back to work after a whole week of sleeping in and goofing off and not doing much of anything important or responsible.

Today I rediscovered my hatred for alarm clocks. 

I had to drag myself out of my nice warm and cozy bed. And wouldn't you know it was the nicest and warmest and coziest bed ever.

After I managed to get up, I was so tired I could hardly remember how to shower. I think I might still have soap in my hair.

Finding something to wear also proved difficult. I have been wearing all of my inappropriate work attire this past week (by inappropriate I mean jeans and sweatshirts) and all of my work clothes seemed to disappear. I'm did wear a nice shirt yesterday, so I wore that again today (nobody at work saw me in it and it doesn't smell).

I bundled up in coat and scarf, grabbed my dry Wheaties in a paper bowl, and braved the dark cold windy morning.

The sun was nowhere in site. I swear last time I went to work it wasn't this dark.

People shouldn't be up before the sun.

It's just wrong. An injustice to all mankind!

I grumbled about the dark all the way to work only to walk into an even darker empty building.

It felt weird going back into work, it may have only been a week, but it was still surreal walking into the desolate building.

It was like I had been here before, but it was a distant memory. Would I even remember all the passwords I changed right before I left?

There was a real moment of panic, because I didn't write them down anywhere and my mind blanked for minute, but my brain kicked in and I was able to log in to all of my computer programs.

My brain might have remember how to do all my work, but it still doesn't like it. Especially all the paperwork only I know how to do and have to catch up on.

I did, however, miss all the workplace drama.

This morning has been full of tales of the suicide of the chief of police (who was found dead on the trail behind where I live...super creepy) and rumors of him cheating on his wife and how the police are covering it up and a list of all of the people who wanted him dead.

And how a detective is investigating a coworker on daycare fraud and trying to find out who turned her Facebook page into the cops as evidence.

Also things like the latest diet trends.

Or how I wasn't here when a coworker's cousin pasted away suddenly.

And how someone else is trying to talk her cousin into going to Kilimanjaro in May.

And making up our gift basket for the United Way fundraiser.

And I did miss some of my patients like the lady who always stops by to have me copy her paperwork for her insurance company.

Or the old man who has me print him off his schedule everyday because he likes the way I do it best.

I may not have missed the waking up early or paperwork, but I really did miss all of the people. This is my work family and I like being apart of their lives and really miss them when I'm not here. 

The Zipper Incident

I have mentioned before that I work as a Medical Receptionist. I really like my job and I like most of my patients that come and go, but I definitely get some crazies every now and then. Case in point is the Homicidal Villain I've been talking about (you can read about it here: part 1, part 2, part 3).

Well, yesterday another one of my frequent crazies stopped by to see me. 

It was probably about a year or so ago this guy started coming around. He originally had appointments in my department and seemed like an okay middle aged man. 

After awhile he started to hang around my desk just a little too much before and after his appointments.

 Then he started coming up to me every time he was in the building (it's a big clinic with lots of different departments). I have to admit he was starting to creep me out. 

The turning point of when I though he was just being overly friendly to full out creeper was after this conversation:

Man: So, can I ask you a question? 

Me: Yes.

Man: It's okay if you say no. You don't have to worry.

Me: oookay? (please don't ask me out)

Man: I'm serious you can tell me no.

Me: okay. (he is going to ask me out and it's going to be super awkward because he is old and creepy and I will have to say no.)

Man: Let's say I have somebody's social security number and I wanted you to look up their information for me...could you do that for me? 

Me: Umm....no. (WHAT?!?)

Man: Oh really? Are you sure? 

Me: Umm....yes. It's illegal. (HIPPA laws)

Man: It's just that I didn't want to get another restraining order. That's all.

Me: Oh. Okay. (A RESTRAINING ORDER!?!?! REALLY?!?! WHO IS THIS CRAZY MAN?!?!)

I called administration freaking out as soon as he left. They said if it happens again to let them know.  

 The Stalker still comes in the clinic all the time and comes up and talks to me all the time!

When I am forced to talk to him (because unfortunately it is my job) I keep the conversation as short as possible and act like I'm busy.

Most of the times he doesn't get the hint and keeps talking as a nod and avoid eye contact. 

Well, yesterday he was in again.

I tried my best pawn him off on my coworker and I almost made it. He came in, had his appointment, and left. I thought I was safe! 

THEN HE CAME BACK!

Stalker: Can I ask you a question?

Me: (Oh no! Not again!) Yes. 

Stalker: You always do your best to help patients, right?

Me: Yes? (where is this conversation going?) 

Stalker: So, if a patient is injured you would do anything you could to help them? (He just had surgery on his shoulder) 

Me: Umm...yes.  (no, no, no) 

Stalker: Then I'm going to come around the desk. 

(stalker starts to walk around the desk and I start to panic)

Me: TECHNICALLY I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO LET ANYONE BEHIND THE DESK! 

(I hold both of my hands up to stop him just before he gets behind the desk)

Stalker: Okay, I'll just stand here.

Me: okay. (whew) 

Stalker: Okay. Can you help me...zip up my zipper? 

Me:  (gulp, please no)

Stalker: I just can't with this stupid sling on my arm and it's cold outside. 

Me: Yes. I guess I can help you with that. (how do I get myself into these situations?)

I really didn't want to be close enough to him to zip up his jacket, but how was I suppose to say no? 

I zipped it up as quickly as possible, so that he could be on his merry little way. 

After he left, my coworker, who was sitting at the desk next to me, told me she thought he asked me to zip up his pants zipper.

I almost puked.

I think I would have been able to say HELL NO to that request. 

The Life of a Receptionist

Well folks, all of my hard work has finally paid off.

Most people think the job of a Medical Receptionist is a lowly no power type of job, but most people are wrong. 

Receptionists rule the office. They tell everyone where and when to be and what to do. Who can come and who has to go. And if you are ever unfortunate enough to make the gatekeeper mad there is major hell to pay! (that last part may be a teeny tiny bit of an exaggeration). You want to be nice to your receptionists and do what they tell you and life will be easier. 

Yesterday I proved I have successfully trained everyone at work.

I went in knowing that I was getting free pizza. It was our annual forums and they always supply Pizza Hut
pizza for us. 

I got to work early and was sitting at my desk, when one of the Physical Therapists walked in and handed me a Tupperware container filled with sugar cookies stuffed with Nutella and topped with salt (they were to die for).

For lunch I went downstairs and ate my Pizza Hut taco pizza and Diet Pepsi provided for the meeting (and I also love meetings, so that's a plus).

When I went back upstairs I was greeted by my patients with "You're so pretty!" and "I love your hair!" 

Late afternoon arrived and I was brought an Iced Vanilla Latte by another one of my Physical Therapists.

About a half hour later I was offered another Latte by administration that I regretfully had to decline, because I already had one.  

Our runner (who runs papers and stuff around the building) brought me the People magazine that I got to enjoy while sipping my coffee. 

You could say it was a pretty wonderful day at work. 

And top the whole day off I went over to my parents' house after work and my mother had gourmet goodies and red wine waiting for me. (it may have been for a whole group of people, but after how my day had been I felt like it was just for me.)

It was a wonderful day!

I text Mona and told her of all the great and wonderful things that had happened to me.

At first she said "It's like you work in Dermatology on Grey's!" (you will only get this if you are as addicted to Grey's Anatomy as we are)

Then she sent me this picture and said "this is what you looked like while eating those cookies"

I answered by saying "But there was someone there to hand wipe my face with a moist towelette!"

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS

I work in a great department with great people. I love my job and I would do anything for any of my coworkers. I bake cookies and bring coffee for them just as much as they do for me and go out of my way to make sure their schedules run smoothly.

We often do things just to be nice, it just seemed like all the niceness was wrapped up in one all around nice day yesterday and I have to say, it was kinda nice. 

Nobody saw that...right?

She came in again!! The "Homicidal Villain"! 

What does she think? Just because she broke her hand she has to be here every day?

Or is she really doing it to torment and haunt me in my waking nightmares!

Or is she coming in to poison my coffee while I'm not looking! (I am not leaving my coffee out of sight anytime soon)

Let's try not to think about this.

Thankfully, this time, I was able to avoid being in position to accidentally hug her.

So here's what happened...

Layout of Luna's Work

The Homicidal Villain walked in the front door (please see the elaborate, carefully crafted, drawn to scale replica of my building to the right), the girl at the Urgent Care desk, Kim (who knows the whole tragic story), sees the H.V. walk in and immediately calls me to warn me that she is in the building.

As you can clearly see, when someone walks in the front door they can easily see me sitting at my desk. So naturally, when Kim told me she was in the building, I immediately jumped under my desk with phone in hand and hid like someone was sneaking in the house while I was home alone and knew they were going to murder me.

Once I realized where I was, I slowly crept up from my desk, carefully checking to make sure the H.V. was nowhere in sight, and resumed work like a normal human being.

I feel like a idiot for hiding under my desk at work, especially when there were lots and lots of people around, but hopefully nobody saw me cowering under my desk like a little girl.

Just smile and way boys...smile and wave.

Luna's Lifetime Movie

Have you ever had one of those moments where it seems like you just got dropped in the middle of a Lifetime movie?

Well, I had one of those moments yesterday and it kind of freaked me out!

Background Setting:
(Things this week that may have caused me to freak out more than normal)

I work as a receptionist in a large medical facility and we get our fair share of drama everyday, but this week was a doozy.

On Friday I was on the phone with a guy who was majorly freaking out on me. He was all calm and happy one moment and than he just snapped! He was calling me a liar and accusing me of not following hospital protocol (if you know anything about me I'm a goodie two shoes-rule follower to the tee). I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say to him, my hands even started to shake a little bit (I have had people on the phone tell me they are going to come and beat me up before, so I don't like to make the people on the phone mad) Let's just say it was not fun to be on the receiving end.

Then, on Tuesday, I watched this episode of Grey's Anatomy (SPOILERS) about a mass shooting at a hospital. I could see this very easily being a reality. I see a lot of upset people in my work place and you never know what they will do. Like I said, I have been threatened by patients before and I am just the receptionist!

What Freaked Me Out:
(probably more than it should have due to the previously stated things)

There is this couple that comes into the clinic quiet often. Every time they come in they stop at my desk to say hello. The are super sweet and super happy. The wife always makes sure to give me a hug and checks to make sure I'm having a good day. They excitedly told me when they bought a new house and shared their sorrow with me when they lost their dog. I get reports on all of the husband's surgery's either good or bad. I really feel like the are a part of my life, even though I only know them from a professional standpoint.

So, when the husband comes in yesterday it's nothing unusual. He walks up to my desk and I smile and say hello! He seems a little off and I ask if everything is okay. He motions for me to get up and step away from the desk. This is not normal and I'm a little apprehensive. Does he want a hug? Normally that's just his wife who hugs me...this is weird...I don't know what's happening! Help!

I cautiously approach him. He leans in close and whispers that he just...filed for a divorce.

At first I sigh in relief that he didn't do something crazy to me, then I react properly.

This is shocking news! They are always so nice and happy and I just saw them both last week! How could they be getting a divorce?

When I ask what happened, he tells me that...his wife has slowly been poising him for the last several months!

What?!?

He just spent the last few days in the hospital. He almost died because his wife was trying to kill him!

I have hugged this women! Hugged her while she was slowly trying to kill her husband!

This creeps me out so much! I cannot believe that it's true. My brain can't wrap itself around the idea. It really does feel like a story you would see in a Lifetime movie and not something that's happening in real life. I may be just their receptionist, but it is still majorly affecting my life!

Moral of this story:

The moral of this story is to treat all of your receptionists well. Thank them for their hard work and putting up with other people's crazy. You never know if they have just been yelled at or threatened. You don't know if their life is in danger and they are wondering if their coffee has been poisoned by a patient while they weren't looking!