Friday, August 29, 2014

Famdamly Facebook Convo: Lobsters

That's it. I've decided. My family is stupid. 

I get really excited about something super cool and I just want to share these super cool things with them because they are super cool and I get shut down. I'll be talking about it and they literally tell me to stop. That or they just stop listening. Rude right?

Here's an example from our Famdamly Facebook Convo today: 

Mom: Luna, what do you call female lobsters?

Me: A hen. Why?

Mom: You knew that?

Me: No.

Mom: You looked it up to seem smart

Me: I just looked it up to know.

Mom: Oh...

Me: Next time I'm asked I'll know

Mom: So now you know.

Me: Why did you want to know?

Mom: Just seen it and wanted to see if you knew, if not i knew you would like to know.

Me: Do you know what the male lobster is called?

Mom: No

Me: A cock

Mom: Oh no...we heard a song about that....(I did not ask about the song)

Mona: Lololol

Me: And a group of lobsters is called a pod, deck, or shield. And if you are ordering a group to eat it's called by a box

Mom: Overboard.

Me: Also based off my previous knowledge of lobsters...they used to be considered the rats of the sea and it even against the law to feed them to prisoners because it was so inhumane.

Mom: Overload.

Me: Don't you want to know how to tell the difference between a male and female?!? One has soft parts and the other has hard parts.

Mom: Get back to work!

Me: Fine I won't tell you that the largest recorded lobster was 44 lbs or that's it's illegal to use the boiling method in some places. Like Reggio Emilia, Italy.You could be fined over $600!

Did you know they're cannibals?!?! A young lobsters greatest predictor is their parents!

How are you guys not fascinated by this??!?!?

Mom: I just want to put them in a pot boil them, butter them, and eat them...that's it! 

Me: Were you not listening to a word I said! That could cost you hundreds of dollars! 

Mom: Only if i live in Italy! Hello! We are in Wisconsin

Me: I didn't say it was only in Italy.. I was just giving you an example.

Mom: It is not illegal

Me: Have you checked recently?

Mom: I will gladly go to jail, to eat a lobster by boiling.

Me: Next thing I know you'll have turn into a cannibal and you'll start eating your young.

A girl can't get anything thanks for trying to keep her mother out of jail! I don't know how you wouldn't want to know all this super cool stuff about lobsters! It's not nerdy at all.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

School Is For Fools

School. Sucks.

Who's idea was it to go back to school after 4 years and further my education? Whoever it was they were a complete idiot! (This is just the stress talking. Getting an education is really a good thing)

Anyways, schools the reason I've been a little MIA this last week or two or so...I don't even know the days anymore. All I've been doing is studying, writing papers, and taking tests. I've had no time for real life whatsoever.

I have hardly been in contact with humans and the one time I am I manage to make it embarrassing.

So, a thing about me...I'm a slob. It's just a fact. Right now my room is a complete and utter disaster. And during finals I have even less time and desire to clean. So it's worse than normal.

I take all of my tests online with a webcam supplied by my school. When it comes to test time I just shove all of my mess into piles away from view of the camera. No problem. Normally. Normally the video camera is attached to a faceless nameless person who I have no contact with whatsoever. I set up the camera, make sure it's connected, and go.

Well, apparently that's not happening this year. This year they upgraded their system. This year a face and name are talking to me through my webcam. This year a relatively attractive male named Greg is attached the webcam. This year they made me look this man in the eyes and give my camera a 360 degree turn around my room. Around my disaster of a room! I just did it. There was nothing I could do at that point. There was no getting around it. I didn't mention the mess. I acted like this was normal and perfectly acceptable to have 100 fast food cups and piles of dirty clothes thrown all over the room.When I finished there was a long pause and the he said "um, okay. I guess that's good." I could hear the embarrassment in his voice. I ignored it.

Let's just say for my last test this week I will be cleaning my room a bit.

After Labor Day I'll be back to my normal blogging...if I don't die from exams that is. If you don't hear from me again inform the police education killed me.          

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Employee Patients Are The Worst

Any job where you have to deal with people can be rough, but working in healthcare and having other healthcare workers as the patients is by far THE WORST THING EVER IN EXISTENCE!!! They are needy and pushy and rude and think themselves privileged beyond all means. Telling me everything I do wrong or every thing that could be better or fixed does not endear me to you. The phrase "I need this time because of my work schedule" does not hold anymore weight with me then any other person who steps up to my desk. Do you think I lie and tell you it's unavailable for kicks? No. I would rather not hear you huff and puff thank you very much.

Today this lady takes the cake...

Me: How can I help you today?

Employee Patient (EP): I need to make an appointment.

Me: Okay. Will that be for Physical Therapy or Orthotics?

EP: Orthotics.

Me: Okay. And what kind of Orthotics were you needing?

EP: I don't know. Dr. R. sent me.

Me: Well, were you needing Diabetic shoes, inserts for arch support, a face mask, a full body jacket...?

EP: I guess inserts.

Me: Okay then. My first opening is going to be next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Oh. I can't just walk in and be seen?

Me: No, I'm sorry we do that by appointment and my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: You don't have anything Monday or Tuesday?

Me: No, I'm sorry my first opening is next Thursday at either 2:00 or 2:30.

EP: Do you have something around noon?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have.

EP: What about later?

Me: 2:00 or 2:30 is all I have available.

EP: I guess I'll just quit my job then.

Me: I can check a later date if you were looking for a specific time?

EP: I'll just take the 2:00.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Does He Know You Too Well?

No, I'm not talking about your significant other...I'm talking about the Asian Bistro Delivery guy. And I'm also talking about Mona, not myself, of course. And the answer is yes, yes he does know us too well. 

This new Asian Bistro place opened up about a month ago and we all love it.  We may order delivery once or twice or more a week between us. Is that a sin? 

The first warning sign that we might be eating it a little bit to much was when I order it for dinner and the delivery guy said, "Oh, this is the second time he's been here today." Do you know how if feels to have those words sound when they are spoken directly to your face by the Asian Bistro Delivery Guy?!? He made me sound like a pig, that's what it feels like. It's extremely offensive is what it is! That's not how you want your delivery guy to make you feel! See if I order from the Asian Bistro again! See if I ever open this door again!! See if I ever give you a tip again, Mister Mouthy!!! Okay, okay, so maybe I gave him the same amount of tip I always give him. I didn't go completely crazy. He does control my main food source. What's that saying..."don't bit the hand that feeds you." So, I tipped the guy and swore up and down it wasn't me, but I'm still not sure he really believed me. 

Then yesterday Mona was at my parents house (we crash there all of Shark Week, because we are too cheap to pay for Discovery Channel) and she messages Becky and I on our Facebook Biffs chat:

Mona: "Oh you are at a different house today" Be proud, not ashamed, Mona!!! HE KNOW ME! My response "I'm not afraid, to eat Asian. Everyday of my life"

Becky: What? Are you talking to yourself again?

Mona: No. That is what the delivery guy said "different house today"

Becky: Ohhhh lol embarrassinggg...

Mona: No.

Me: At least you're unforgettable. Too bad it's not that first super cute one that remembers you. (I’m ashamed to admit I know exactly what delivery guy she is referring to)

Mona: That would be worse. I couldn't handle that.

Me: You’re right. You would probably stop ordering Asian takeout if that happened.

Becky: That’s impossible! You wouldn't give up Asian takeout!

Me: You underestimate her awkwardness with the opposite sex.

Mona: Thank you Luna.

So, you may say he knows us a little to well if he recognizes Mona outside of our home. Honestly, I think he sees Mona more than I see Mona. Oh, I wonder if she stared dating him we could get free Asian Bistro? I mean we'd at least get a discount, right? At the very least we'd get our two dollar delivery charge waved. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

My Homicidal Villain

Yesterday's post about crazy patients who could possibly murder me made me nostalgic over the first tales of My Homicidal Villain. Sure there have been other crazies and even bomb threats (did I tell you guys about the bomb threat? I can't remember?) since her, but she was my first. The first patient to strike fear into my heart and really make me reconsider my career choices.

If you've had the pleasure of following me for the last year (in which case I find you slightly crazy for sticking around after this story), you probably remember her well. She's hard to forget, at least for me anyways. If you haven't been reading my blog since the beginning of time (or last year, whatever way you want to look at it), you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, let me tell you! This is a terrifying tale of love, betrayal, fear, attempted murder, and a poor receptionist learning never to leave her coffee cup unattended! Yes, my life is basically a sexy crime novel. If you don't believe me take a look for yourself!

The Tale of the Homicidal Villain:

Okay, so maybe not as sexy as sad, but it's still full of mystery and intrigue! Right?

Well, I haven't written anything about them since I hid under my desk like a coward. I don't know if this is from shear embarrassment or my unwilling acceptance of the truth that I'll never be done with them.

In case you were wondering the lovely couple did end up reconciled. That's right. He went back to her after she tried to murder him. Last I heard he moved back in and locked up his meds, so she couldn't get at them to commit premeditated murder by slowly poisoning him.

They still come into the clinic more than any reasonable person should be allowed. It's creepy. I still see them here at least once a week. They either wave at me from across the clinic, and by that I mean they yell and wave across an entire building until they get my attention and I wave back, or, if there're not in a hurry, which is about 50% of the time, they stop by for a hug. I've learned to just grit my teeth and get it over with. It's the fastest way to make them leave.

 So, yeah, this is still my hell. I've just learned to accept it. It's almost like Stockholm in I'll probably start liking it soon. Wait...I'm already using words like nostalgia to describe the start of this awkward and horrifying situation!!!! Nostalgia is associated with happy memories! What is wrong with me!??! This is not happy! This is HORRIBLE!! I'm going to throw up now. And remember what I am to them. Their puppet. An unwilling participant in their torture hugs!

Monday, August 11, 2014

I've Been Robbed!

It's Friday afternoon five minutes after a patient's (who I've had problems with before...see The Phone Call) scheduled appointment time when the phone rings. I answer it. 

The Late Patient (in a loud hysterical voice): (in background) What the @#$%! Shut up! Get the @#$% up!

Me: Um...hello?

Patient (still hysterical): (to me) I'VE BEEN ROBBED!! (to someone else) I don't @#$%^& care!

Me: Oookkaaayyyyy?


Me: Um...yes? So, I'll cancel your appointment? (patient hangs up the phone) Okay then... 

Twenty minutes later the phone rings again.

Me: Hello [Medical Clinic Name] this is Luna. How may I help you? 

Patient (in a very serious and threatening voice): I want you to understand that I was robbed. That is why I did not come in. I was robbed. (this is her trying not to get fired from our practice) Someone stole my disk. My last disk. I was robbed. That's why I couldn't come in. I want to make another appointment. Can I make another appointment? 

Me: (per our policy she was done two canceled visits ago. We've given her all the extra chances we can) I'm sorry I cannot make that appointment. You will have to talk to the Physical Therapist.

Patient: I WAS ROBBED!!!

Me: I understand you were robbed, but you still have to talk to the Physical Therapist before I can schedule anymore appointments. Can I have her give you a call back when she is able?

Patient: Fine! (The phone line goes dead)

You know, the thing about this conversation that bugs me the most is not that she missed her appointment, or that she called to cancel after the fact, or even that she was yelling at me, or swearing at her teenage daughter in the background, it't that I don't know what's on that stupid disk and why it's SO important!!!

Part of me really, really wanted to ask her, but I felt like it would have been highly inappropriate. That and the fact that I think she's crazy enough to say "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," and really mean it. 

Example: I had a voice-mail waiting when I got into work this morning. On the message there was no talking, no breathing, just someone playing For Elise on the piano. It wasn't the normal butt dial type phone call I get. You know the the rustling sounds of being in a pocket or a purse or the realization that they have the phone on. Nothing. It was crisp and clear. Just the piano. And it wasn't like "please hold" type piano music. It was someone playing. I know because it was poorly played. The sound blunt and choppy and a there were a few mistakes. After about a minute the phone just disconnects. The piano never stopping. Again, it was out of the ordinary. Normally the message goes on until the space on the voice-mail ends. This time someone intentionally hung up the phone. Without a change in sound. Quiet except for the piano. It was super creepy. 

I ran the caller ID number though our system was her. She called and left me this message. Intentionally. All because I wouldn't reschedule her appointment! 

Okay, sure, I could be over reacting a little bit. Sure it could have just been a butt dial. But I thought it was weird before I knew it was her. It being this person. This lady makes it worse. It literally gave me the chills!

I think I might need to quit my job. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Don't Quote That!

I've decided to stop talking to Mona.

Why you may ask? Facebook. She has decided to start quoting everything I say on Facebook!!! Okay, so maybe she's only done it twice, but still! Both quotes were taken completely out of context and make me sound insane!!

The First Facebook Quote:

"Speaking of surrogates...Squid Vaginas. 
Not a lot is known about them"

First of all, I was misquoted! The "..." part of the conversation, which Mona so conventionally claims she didn't hear, I said "I read an article today about". Go, on. Go back and reread the sentence replacing the missing words. See? It sounds way less weird. Okay, so maybe it's still a little weird that I'm reading articles about squid vaginas in the first place and talking about them, but not as weird as Mona made it out to be. Right? [If you're so inclined here's the article in question: Squid Lady Parts]

Second, she fails to mention the reason we were "speaking of surrogates" to begin with. Mona has been trying to pimp out my vagina and uterus for the last several months so we can make $20,000 to help us open our coffee shop. Try and tell me that's not worse! That's WAY worse than me talking about squid vaginas!

The Second Facebook Quote:

"I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men"

COMPLETELY TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!!! She makes me sound like a whore! Did I actually say that out loud? Well, yes. Those words did come out of my mouth, but in my defense, it's not what it sounds like! I swear!

It went down something like this:

Me: I'm thinking about joining a dating website. (A highly unusual thing to come out of my mouth) 

Mona: What?!? (she said shocked) Why? (she asked suspiciously) 

Mona: No, you can not join a dating website to experiment with men. (creepy...she knows me too well) 

A few hours later at dinner with Dad...

Mona: Tell him what you told me earlier.

About what?

You know.

Me: Oh...I told Mona I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men. (wait, I don't think that didn't come out right?) 

What?!?! (hysterical laughing) I'm quoting that on Facebook!

Me: Not again!

Let me just clarify what I meant by "experiment". I meant it as more of a social experiment type thing. Like is love really blind? Will they like me more if I have certain pictures or bios? What if I'm more open or more mysterious? How does perception change thinking? Those types of things. Not anything strange. Okay, it's still weird. I was just thinking about it.I won't actually do it.

I honestly think Mona is lashing out and posting these things out of spite. You conduct one or two social experiments on your sister and you'd think it was the end of the world! I gave her fair warning! It's not my fault she felt manipulated! But that's a story for day.

Like I said at the beginning. I'm done talking to Mona. That will solve all of my problems! 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Year 1: How Blogging Has Made Me Less Confident


We've made it people! We've beat the odds, whatever those may be, and we survived a whole year!

I feel a little bit proud of myself, okay I feel a lot proud of myself, for making it this far! I normally get distracted by shinny new objects, like a raccoon, and don't stick to a hobby very long. Okay, so maybe a raccoon is not the most flattering thing to compare myself to in this situation, but it's better than comparing myself to a pack rat! Although, now that I think about it, a pack rack might be a better comparison when it comes to my shiny new hobbies. I'm kind of what you might call...umm...a hobby collector? What that means is I have a million and one different hobbies and projects that I'm currently working on. Sadly most of said hobbies and projects lay unfinished in the path of my forgotten memories. And by that I mean I forget about them and leave them in an ever growing path around my apartment. I have hobby debris thrown in my bedroom, the living room, basement, and I even have some junk stuck out in my car. It's terrible. Thankfully blogging is a little less messy than some of my other eccentric hobbies (like right now I'm trying to become an expert knot tyer and a marine biologist. I have rope and fish books all over the place) and I haven't abandoned blogging yet, so it's not in that pile of forgotten memories or whatever mumbo jumo I spun a few sentences ago

Oh boy! That paragraph kind of got away from me... You would think after blogging for a whole year I'd be much better at this! Now, where was I going with this post? Oh, yes!  One year of blogging.

When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I was getting myself into. I was bored and had nothing better to do, so I thought "why not?" I had recently started following few blogs for the first time (I know I'm a little behind the times, but not that much, blogging only started around the 1990s) and it was all so new and exciting for me. I didn't have any real goals or plans as far as my blog went. I kinda dove in head first. It has been a true "uncharted journey" (as I so eloquently put in my About Me page. The things I come up with...). 

For me, and probably you as well, I've found this blog to be a hodgepodge mess of funny and slightly embarrassing stories from my life and travels, a emotional roller coaster full of my joys and trials, unusually placed poems and fiction from my vast imagination, a strange compilation of lists of things I like and dislike, and a little bit of my crazy thrown in (okay, so maybe a lot of my crazy thrown in). Let's just say you can come here everyday and never really know what you're going to find.

As far as the journey goes I've learned A LOT about myself though blogging. More then I could ever have anticipated. One thing I said to myself when I started this blog was that I'd always be honest. With you and with myself. Being honest with you is the easy part. I can tell you guys absolutely anything! You are best listeners! Being honest with myself on the other hand is hard. It's easy to brush off thoughts and emotions without giving them a second thought, especially the darker scarier ones. The ones about things that go bump in the night.  Those are the hard truths to face. Truths about myself I didn't know existed until I forced myself to write them down. Our words have power. Words make things real. Blogging had made me see myself in a different light. I'm darker and more messed up then I realized and that slightly terrifies me. I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did. What other things could I be hiding from myself? Maybe I'm not as smart and funny as I think? Maybe I'm not as nice as I think? Maybe everybody hates me? I guess you could say blogging has made me question myself. I'm less confident about myself as a person than I was a year ago. I've found that I have fears and flaws just like everyone else. I am human! Who knew?!? Not me. I like to think that I'm above humanly flaws and failures (would this be considered stuck up?). I know Mona will be shocked as I am. She thinks I'm perfect!

So while I may find myself less confident than I was a year ago, I am happier. Now I know you may be doubting this with my post about depression the other day, but it's true. Forcing myself to write about my depression, admitting that it was real, freed me from the lies I was telling myself. I had to face my fears. And for that I'm lighter. Happier. I may know more about flaws and failures, but I'm okay with that. I'm glad for it. I can be less confident in myself and happier knowing more about myself at the same time. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe blogging has really made me go crazy and I just haven't realized it yet!

Before I let you go, there is one more thing I discovered about myself through blogging this year! I am a lot weirder than I ever thought I was. Some of the things I say? Don't tell me you haven't noticed? Oh well. I guess I'll embrace that too.

So, thank you for sticking around and joining me on this crazy journey of my self discovery. With this new year of blogging afoot, I hope to set off proudly as a less confident, happier, weirder, and just as crazy as always blogger! Cheers to years to come!