Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Yesterday's Weird Stories From The Clinic

The Fish Hook

Albert the Maintenance Guy: I got a call because there was a fishhook caught in the carpet.

Me: How did that even get here?

Albert: I have no idea.

Me: Maybe someone was trying to do their own stitches?

The Phone Call

Me: Hello

Woman: You need to talk to her! She says she's sick and won't come to her appointment and you need to talk to her and tell her she has to come!

Me: Excuse me?!?

Woman: I talked to you before and you need to talk to my daughter (14 years old) and tell her she needs to get up and come to her appointment. (I had never talked to this women before in my life) 

Me: Me?!? (my voice squeaked a little)

Woman: (to me) Yes. (to the girl) Get up! You need to talk to this lady about your appointment RIGHT NOW!

Girl: (in the background) I'm going to call the police! Get your hands off me!

Woman: Shut up! I'm just trying to hand you the phone! Take it!!

There was a long pause and then the phone clicked off.

I moved the phone from my ear and stared down at it for a moment completely baffled by the conversation that had just taken place. I don't think talking unruly 14 year old girls into coming to their appointments is in my job description.

A few moments later the phone rang again.

Woman: It's me again. She hung up the phone! She pulled this with her eye appointment on Monday and we had to cancel. She need to get her lazy a** up and come to her appointment. Let me just see if I can get this door open and give her the phone. (to the girl) Open up this door right now!!

Girl: I'm calling the police for child abuse!

Woman: If your going to call the police for child abuse you have to open the door!!

I sat there speechless and listening intently in case I needed to call the police.

Woman: (to me) Here she is! (to the girl) Take the phone and talk to the lady!

Girl: Hello.

Me: Um...hi. I guess your mom wanted me to talk to you about your appointment today?

Girl: Yeah. I'm not feeling well.

Me: Um...well if it's about your neck pain physical therapy will help in the long run.

Girl: It's not my neck. I've been throwing up.

Woman: (in the background) Who knows if your faking!

Girl: (to woman) I am not faking! You never believe me!

Me: Um...I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Um...I guess your mom really wants you to come to therapy today?

Girl: I'm not feeling well.

Me: Um...okay. Well...this is really something you should be working out with your mom. Can you put your her back on the phone?

Girl: Yeah.

Me: Um...thanks for talking to me?

Woman: Hello.

Me: Um...she says she's not feeling well...

Woman: I just never know when she's lying.

Me: Do you want to reschedule?

Woman: She needs to come.

Me: do you want me to leave her appointment?

Woman: I can't get her up.

Me: Um...I...(not knowing what to do)...I can't make her come in either.

Woman: When can you get her in next?

Me: Friday?

Woman: Fine. (to the girl) Come talk to the lady again.

Me: What?!?

Woman: I want her to promise you she will come in. (to the girl) I want you to promise you will go to your appointment!

Girl: Hello.

Me: Um...we reschedule your appointment for Friday?

Girl: Okay.

Me: Um...okay.

The Patient
Kim: I don't like that patient.

Me: Why?

Kim: While we were working in the gym she took her shirt off.

Me: What?!?

Kim: I don't know who she was trying to impress. I certainly wasn't.

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