Famdamly Facebook Convo: Lobsters

That's it. I've decided. My family is stupid. 

I get really excited about something super cool and I just want to share these super cool things with them because they are super cool and I get shut down. I'll be talking about it and they literally tell me to stop. That or they just stop listening. Rude right?

Here's an example from our Famdamly Facebook Convo today: 

Mom: Luna, what do you call female lobsters?

Me: A hen. Why?

Mom: You knew that?

Me: No.

Mom: You looked it up to seem smart

Me: I just looked it up to know.

Mom: Oh...

Me: Next time I'm asked I'll know

Mom: So now you know.

Me: Why did you want to know?

Mom: Just seen it and wanted to see if you knew, if not i knew you would like to know.

Me: Do you know what the male lobster is called?

Mom: No

Me: A cock

Mom: Oh no...we heard a song about that....(I did not ask about the song)

Mona: Lololol

Me: And a group of lobsters is called a pod, deck, or shield. And if you are ordering a group to eat it's called by a box

Mom: Overboard.

Me: Also based off my previous knowledge of lobsters...they used to be considered the rats of the sea and it even against the law to feed them to prisoners because it was so inhumane.

Mom: Overload.

Me: Don't you want to know how to tell the difference between a male and female?!? One has soft parts and the other has hard parts.

Mom: Get back to work!

Me: Fine I won't tell you that the largest recorded lobster was 44 lbs or that's it's illegal to use the boiling method in some places. Like Reggio Emilia, Italy.You could be fined over $600!

Did you know they're cannibals?!?! A young lobsters greatest predictor is their parents!

How are you guys not fascinated by this??!?!?

Mom: I just want to put them in a pot boil them, butter them, and eat them...that's it! 

Me: Were you not listening to a word I said! That could cost you hundreds of dollars! 

Mom: Only if i live in Italy! Hello! We are in Wisconsin

Me: I didn't say it was only in Italy.. I was just giving you an example.

Mom: It is not illegal

Me: Have you checked recently?

Mom: I will gladly go to jail, to eat a lobster by boiling.

Me: Next thing I know you'll have turn into a cannibal and you'll start eating your young.

A girl can't get anything thanks for trying to keep her mother out of jail! I don't know how you wouldn't want to know all this super cool stuff about lobsters! It's not nerdy at all.

Famdamly Convo: Illegal Contraband

If you read my blog yesterday, you might have noticed that I confessed to reading books my mother forbid behind her back. Mom thought reading teen romance books would ruin my life by turning me into a boy crazed monster that would eventually lead me to teen pregnancy.

Mom reads my blog. 

This is the message I got from Mom this morning after she read yesterday's post:

Mom: Fess up Luna where did you got the illegal contraband!!

Me: (I knew right away what she was talking about) Umm...the library.

Mom: Did you hide them or was I a dork and just didn't notice...I think we changed and said you could read, cuz you and Noelle (our next door neighbor...a pastor's daughter who was allowed to read them) were reading them

Me: I hid them. You caught me once when I was on the college years and you gave me a big speech, which I contemplated, but eventually ignored. By the time you gave the okay I was long done with the books. 

(I remember this VERY well...I was doing laundry in the basement as a guise to be reading and Mom came down unexpectedly. I quickly tried to shove the book under a towel on the top of the drier, but Mom caught me before I could hide it. She asked me to pull out what I was hiding. Not making eye contact, I slowly pulled out the banned book. We stood there, in the laundry room, unmoving, me emotionless, as she gave me a speech about the books and how they would corrupt my mind. I think I only half listened, because I had heard it all before. I didn't understand..I just wanted to know if Christy ended up with Todd! If you follow this blog you can tell that the books really turned me into a boy crazed monster...and if you really follow this blog you know that is the exact opposite of the truth.)

Mom: Yeah and look what it did to you...a hopeless romantic. I Knew it

Me: Ruined my life.

Mom: See I tried to warn you

Mona: Oh gosh

Mom: Us parents are super smart you know

To this day I don't understand the concept of Banned Books. Teach kids to be discerning and not believe everything they read in books or on the internet. Talk about the books and the ideas and concepts, the good and the bad. That's something I learned from Mom, so you don't need to worry about me. At least in that aspect. I do still hide books, but it's only because I buy too many and Mona yells at me. I can't go into a store without buying at least one. One time Mona saw one of my credit card bills and it a whole page with just Barnes and Noble purchases.  

Famdamly Convo

After reading my post from yesterday, Mom was a little concerned for my emotional well being. This conversation took place in our “Famdamly” ongoing convo on Facebook.

(Please note that this conversation has been edited for ease of reading. We go off topic and respond late and back track and misuse words and spellings constantly. Plus nobody understands what Mom’s saying half the time, so I cut out all the really confusing parts.)

FAMDAMLY:

Mom: Luna is an emotional mess..she needs her hormones checked PLEASE...I am worried about your females… (she is referring to the fact that I haven’t had my period in a few months and there is no way whatsoever I am pregnant. I have a really have a hard time wanting to go to the doctor for NOT bleeding for days. It’s just not at the top of my priorities list.) Luna is a mess!

Me: I'm fine now that I cried

Mom: No you ain't...must go to doctor....otherwise you are like Nancy thinking you don't need doctors (Nancy, our friend, drank raw milk and didn't go to the doctor for years so she basically had to get ALL of her woman parts removed)
Me: It's just PMS I'll probably be getting it this weekend. I'm fine…

Mom: It isn't normal not to have for that long....I could see if you were training for the Olympics....just saying! lolol I don't want these emotions up north (we are going on vacation to our family’s cottage in two weeks). Gma and I have both had problems.....

Mona: Many {referring to Mom’s many problems}

Me: But I am training for the Olympics! That is why!

Mom: Excuse me, Mona, my problems!?! Doris (Code for Mona's uterus) is the worst with all those dirty looks and snarls!

Mona: She hasn't been bad!

Becky: Wait! Mona am I uninvited because I have Doris?? {yes, Becky’s coming with us on vacation} I will keep Doris in check!

Mona: Becky. If you promise to keep her in line you can come lolol.

Mom: Mona, you don't see her in a real light like the rest of us! She is nasty! {referring to Mona’s Doris}

Becky: Are we talking about Luna? lololol (If I wasn't away from my computer stopping a flood at this moment I would have responded to this with a “How dare you say this about me Becky! You better sleep with one eye open this vacation!” But like I said, I was stopping a flood and this comment went refuted. Thanks for standing up for me mom.)

Becky: It's probably because you don't have a liver. {referring to my gallbladder and liver problems from a few weeks ago}
Mom: Her liver is still functioning.....

Becky: No, they had to remove it surgically and they replaced it with another uterus which explains everything

Mona: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh double Doris! Ooo double Doris....I don't want that.


Mom: Becky...please don't give medical advice to patients {Becky is a receptionist at the same hospital I work for}

Mona: That is her job. She is a doctor.

Mom: Dr. Dread

Mona: Becky is a Doctor and Luna is training for the Olympics?! Wow we have some classy folk. I feel like a bit of a loser (Again, if I wasn't dealing with a flood, I would have said some hilarious snarky comment about her actually being a loser)

Mom: See that's why I don’t want to go up north......her training for the Olympics could be rough.......she may want us doing it with her

Dad: I think I'll just go myself

Mona: Every time Luna has Doris we say "Luna is training for the Olympics" Change approved?

Becky: I like it. Change approved!

Mona: Hahaha

Luna: I step away to get coffee and deal with a flood and this is what happens! (okay, so I might have really been getting coffee and chitchatting while watching them clean up an overflowing sink). What happened to my body? I didn't get where you were going with that bit.

Mona: Yeah you had to remove it surgically and they replaced it with another uterus which explains everything

Me: Oh okay. So, you are saying they took out my well working uterus and surgically replaced it with a defective one?

Becky: No they took out your liver and you now have two uterus'

Me: Wait. Why did they replace my liver with a uterus?

Becky: I don't have time to explain science to you Luna.

Mona: Dumb jocks…

Me: I think I take offence to the dumb jocks comment.

Becky: Dumb Olympians

Me: Much better. Thank you.

My Whole Stupid Family Almost Died Last Night

My whole stupid family almost died on my last night.

And they didn't even tell me about it!!!

I'm scrolling through Facebook this morning and I come across a post from Mom:

I've mentioned before that Mona, Becky and I have a BIFFS group chat going on Facebook, while we also have a Famdamly chat going with Me, Mom, Dad, Mona and our honorary family member Becky. So I messed them right away.

Me: What where you guys doing last night?!?

Becky: sucking gas

Mom: Trying to see Jesus

Dad: I had to Dave the family from the grip of death. Somehow the gas stove was left on with no flame.
       
Save not Dave

Becky: thanks for daving us

Me: I don't think you guys should be left alone on Wednesday nights anymore (Mona, Becky and I go over to Mom and Dad's on Wednesday night and eat food. Mona and Becky spend the night and I go home to sleep in my own bed).

Nothing but deathly trouble every week.

Mom: Oh yeah the fire last week (last Wednesday their neighbor's house caught on Fire)...

           
Maybe you should stay from now on

   

Me: Do you all have wills drawn up

Mom: Never had a will. ..

Me: If you guys are going to try dying on me I think you should

Dad: Yes everything goes to my favorite daughter

Me: Yes, me, but if I could get that in writing

Mom: Probably should so you two don't fight over all or millions. . 

         
But you would've got it all. It was a serious thing. 

         
Upon reading you usually just don't wake up

Me: I KNOW!

Becky, you could also put me in your will if you would like

Becky: want my IPAD and TV? that's about all I have to give lol

Me: And any remaining money in your bank account. You may not have any now, but who knows if you die many years down the road and have money saved and didn't realize you didn't change your will for your husband and kids....I will get all of your money

Becky: And you can cash in my PTO (paid time off…we work together) or use it for vaca

Me: Hum...can you will someone your PTO?

Dad? Do you think you could do that? (Dad works in upper management in for our company)

I bet we can talk to a union rep...

Becky: If its in my will they can't deny it

Me: “My very last and greatest wish is that Luna get all of my PTO.”

Becky: I'll stop taking time off so it will grow and you will never have to worry about a day off in your life

Me: Thank you Becky

Dad: I'm pretty sure Luna’s going first, health u know

After awhile Mona decided to join. She doesn't work until two, so she misses out on most of our early morning chats. 

Mona: This is an interesting chat to catch up on!
   
Don't sign your Will over to Luna, she will murder you all

Mom: Agreed and we won't even know is happening

Becky: OMG! This is all part of her arch enemy (Yesterday we were watching Sherlock and they were talking about having arch enemies, so Becky and I decided to become each others)

Mom: Thanks Becky we were just collateral damage

Mona: She is the one who left the gas running. Luna, how could you do this to me! do you just want my $1,000ish money in my savings?

Mom: You guys have seen our banking

Me: Mona…
       
Way to ruin my plan.
       
And maybe I took some life insurance out on you guys as well
       
I mean don't listen to her!
       
She lies!

Mona: Luna, I thought you would include me in your plan...not "INCLUDE ME" in your plan!

Me: Mona you were giving me grief yesterday

Mona: I give you grief every day!

Becky: Luna I have nothing to offer you!

Mona: Except sweet sweet victory. It is all about the mind game!

Mom: It's really Becky she's in on it cuzz she got no money
         
She made up this nemesis story to trick us. . She pretended to be dead when I stared into her face listening for breath

Me: Becky isn't that clever

Mona: lol

Becky: Yes I am!

Mona: Oooo....good comeback

Becky: Thanks lol (I'm not sure if Becky caught the sarcasm in Mona's comment or if she actually took that as a compliment) 

All of our devious arch enemy plans aside, there was one thing bothering me...

I HAD TO FIND THIS OUT ON A FACEBOOK POST!!!!

Me: What I want to know Becky is why didn't you mention the fact that you all almost died when I talked to you at work this morning

Becky: near deaths happen to me all the time i'm used to it

Me: All my attempt at on your life my nemesis

Mona: you didn't ask if she almost died, that's why she didn't tell you

Becky: lol true you should have said "Becky how are you this morning? any near deaths?"

Me: Okay I'll start asking if there were any near death experiences since we parted last

Next we had to talk about all the symptoms of gas inhalation they were experiencing. 

Becky: I've feeling like i have to puke all day i hope i'm not dying from the gas
         
 Have you guys been feeling sick??

Mona; I feel kinda pukee

Becky: really?? so do i
           
its either the gas or the scones or the lack of Happy Endings (the tv show mom forgot to tape for us)

Mona: all of the above
           
I've pooped like 3 times already

Mom: I have a massive headache...we are ok its just what sometimes happens...should all be better tomorrow
           
Headache and nausea are the symptoms

Becky: i hope i didn't get brain damage

Mom: Nope just headache nausea or you don’t wake up
         
So if you two are puky I am headachy its was a miracle we are alive...

Mona: And I am poopie...don't forget about that!

Mom: That's good...leaving system.....let it flow let it flow (like frozen song)

Mona: That could be a PMS song too "Let it flow let it flow"

I wish I could say those last few lines were symptoms of the brain damage, but sadly they are not.