My Homicidal Villain

Yesterday's post about crazy patients who could possibly murder me made me nostalgic over the first tales of My Homicidal Villain. Sure there have been other crazies and even bomb threats (did I tell you guys about the bomb threat? I can't remember?) since her, but she was my first. The first patient to strike fear into my heart and really make me reconsider my career choices.

If you've had the pleasure of following me for the last year (in which case I find you slightly crazy for sticking around after this story), you probably remember her well. She's hard to forget, at least for me anyways. If you haven't been reading my blog since the beginning of time (or last year, whatever way you want to look at it), you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, let me tell you! This is a terrifying tale of love, betrayal, fear, attempted murder, and a poor receptionist learning never to leave her coffee cup unattended! Yes, my life is basically a sexy crime novel. If you don't believe me take a look for yourself!

The Tale of the Homicidal Villain:

Part One: The Victim

Part Two: The Homicidal Villain

Part Three: The Coward

Okay, so maybe not as sexy as sad, but it's still full of mystery and intrigue! Right?

Well, I haven't written anything about them since I hid under my desk like a coward. I don't know if this is from shear embarrassment or my unwilling acceptance of the truth that I'll never be done with them.

In case you were wondering the lovely couple did end up reconciled. That's right. He went back to her after she tried to murder him. Last I heard he moved back in and locked up his meds, so she couldn't get at them to commit premeditated murder by slowly poisoning him.

They still come into the clinic more than any reasonable person should be allowed. It's creepy. I still see them here at least once a week. They either wave at me from across the clinic, and by that I mean they yell and wave across an entire building until they get my attention and I wave back, or, if there're not in a hurry, which is about 50% of the time, they stop by for a hug. I've learned to just grit my teeth and get it over with. It's the fastest way to make them leave.

 So, yeah, this is still my hell. I've just learned to accept it. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome...as in I'll probably start liking it soon. Wait...I'm already using words like nostalgia to describe the start of this awkward and horrifying situation!!!! Nostalgia is associated with happy memories! What is wrong with me!??! This is not happy! This is HORRIBLE!! I'm going to throw up now. And remember what I am to them. Their puppet. An unwilling participant in their torture hugs!

The Zipper Incident

I have mentioned before that I work as a Medical Receptionist. I really like my job and I like most of my patients that come and go, but I definitely get some crazies every now and then. Case in point is the Homicidal Villain I've been talking about (you can read about it here: part 1, part 2, part 3).

Well, yesterday another one of my frequent crazies stopped by to see me. 

It was probably about a year or so ago this guy started coming around. He originally had appointments in my department and seemed like an okay middle aged man. 

After awhile he started to hang around my desk just a little too much before and after his appointments.

 Then he started coming up to me every time he was in the building (it's a big clinic with lots of different departments). I have to admit he was starting to creep me out. 

The turning point of when I though he was just being overly friendly to full out creeper was after this conversation:

Man: So, can I ask you a question? 

Me: Yes.

Man: It's okay if you say no. You don't have to worry.

Me: oookay? (please don't ask me out)

Man: I'm serious you can tell me no.

Me: okay. (he is going to ask me out and it's going to be super awkward because he is old and creepy and I will have to say no.)

Man: Let's say I have somebody's social security number and I wanted you to look up their information for me...could you do that for me? 

Me: Umm....no. (WHAT?!?)

Man: Oh really? Are you sure? 

Me: Umm....yes. It's illegal. (HIPPA laws)

Man: It's just that I didn't want to get another restraining order. That's all.

Me: Oh. Okay. (A RESTRAINING ORDER!?!?! REALLY?!?! WHO IS THIS CRAZY MAN?!?!)

I called administration freaking out as soon as he left. They said if it happens again to let them know.  

 The Stalker still comes in the clinic all the time and comes up and talks to me all the time!

When I am forced to talk to him (because unfortunately it is my job) I keep the conversation as short as possible and act like I'm busy.

Most of the times he doesn't get the hint and keeps talking as a nod and avoid eye contact. 

Well, yesterday he was in again.

I tried my best pawn him off on my coworker and I almost made it. He came in, had his appointment, and left. I thought I was safe! 

THEN HE CAME BACK!

Stalker: Can I ask you a question?

Me: (Oh no! Not again!) Yes. 

Stalker: You always do your best to help patients, right?

Me: Yes? (where is this conversation going?) 

Stalker: So, if a patient is injured you would do anything you could to help them? (He just had surgery on his shoulder) 

Me: Umm...yes.  (no, no, no) 

Stalker: Then I'm going to come around the desk. 

(stalker starts to walk around the desk and I start to panic)

Me: TECHNICALLY I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO LET ANYONE BEHIND THE DESK! 

(I hold both of my hands up to stop him just before he gets behind the desk)

Stalker: Okay, I'll just stand here.

Me: okay. (whew) 

Stalker: Okay. Can you help me...zip up my zipper? 

Me:  (gulp, please no)

Stalker: I just can't with this stupid sling on my arm and it's cold outside. 

Me: Yes. I guess I can help you with that. (how do I get myself into these situations?)

I really didn't want to be close enough to him to zip up his jacket, but how was I suppose to say no? 

I zipped it up as quickly as possible, so that he could be on his merry little way. 

After he left, my coworker, who was sitting at the desk next to me, told me she thought he asked me to zip up his pants zipper.

I almost puked.

I think I would have been able to say HELL NO to that request. 

sorry for my neglect

I know, I know!

There is no need to yell!

I haven't posted much lately...

I KNOW!

But in all fairness do you remember my last post called procrastination is my middle name? Well that work that I was suppose to be doing is now due! Over the next week you might not hear a lot from me and if you do it will be short and sweet (or short and crazy-I can get a bit frazzled during this time)