Famdamly Convo

After reading my post from yesterday, Mom was a little concerned for my emotional well being. This conversation took place in our “Famdamly” ongoing convo on Facebook.

(Please note that this conversation has been edited for ease of reading. We go off topic and respond late and back track and misuse words and spellings constantly. Plus nobody understands what Mom’s saying half the time, so I cut out all the really confusing parts.)

FAMDAMLY:

Mom: Luna is an emotional mess..she needs her hormones checked PLEASE...I am worried about your females… (she is referring to the fact that I haven’t had my period in a few months and there is no way whatsoever I am pregnant. I have a really have a hard time wanting to go to the doctor for NOT bleeding for days. It’s just not at the top of my priorities list.) Luna is a mess!

Me: I'm fine now that I cried

Mom: No you ain't...must go to doctor....otherwise you are like Nancy thinking you don't need doctors (Nancy, our friend, drank raw milk and didn't go to the doctor for years so she basically had to get ALL of her woman parts removed)
Me: It's just PMS I'll probably be getting it this weekend. I'm fine…

Mom: It isn't normal not to have for that long....I could see if you were training for the Olympics....just saying! lolol I don't want these emotions up north (we are going on vacation to our family’s cottage in two weeks). Gma and I have both had problems.....

Mona: Many {referring to Mom’s many problems}

Me: But I am training for the Olympics! That is why!

Mom: Excuse me, Mona, my problems!?! Doris (Code for Mona's uterus) is the worst with all those dirty looks and snarls!

Mona: She hasn't been bad!

Becky: Wait! Mona am I uninvited because I have Doris?? {yes, Becky’s coming with us on vacation} I will keep Doris in check!

Mona: Becky. If you promise to keep her in line you can come lolol.

Mom: Mona, you don't see her in a real light like the rest of us! She is nasty! {referring to Mona’s Doris}

Becky: Are we talking about Luna? lololol (If I wasn't away from my computer stopping a flood at this moment I would have responded to this with a “How dare you say this about me Becky! You better sleep with one eye open this vacation!” But like I said, I was stopping a flood and this comment went refuted. Thanks for standing up for me mom.)

Becky: It's probably because you don't have a liver. {referring to my gallbladder and liver problems from a few weeks ago}
Mom: Her liver is still functioning.....

Becky: No, they had to remove it surgically and they replaced it with another uterus which explains everything

Mona: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh double Doris! Ooo double Doris....I don't want that.


Mom: Becky...please don't give medical advice to patients {Becky is a receptionist at the same hospital I work for}

Mona: That is her job. She is a doctor.

Mom: Dr. Dread

Mona: Becky is a Doctor and Luna is training for the Olympics?! Wow we have some classy folk. I feel like a bit of a loser (Again, if I wasn't dealing with a flood, I would have said some hilarious snarky comment about her actually being a loser)

Mom: See that's why I don’t want to go up north......her training for the Olympics could be rough.......she may want us doing it with her

Dad: I think I'll just go myself

Mona: Every time Luna has Doris we say "Luna is training for the Olympics" Change approved?

Becky: I like it. Change approved!

Mona: Hahaha

Luna: I step away to get coffee and deal with a flood and this is what happens! (okay, so I might have really been getting coffee and chitchatting while watching them clean up an overflowing sink). What happened to my body? I didn't get where you were going with that bit.

Mona: Yeah you had to remove it surgically and they replaced it with another uterus which explains everything

Me: Oh okay. So, you are saying they took out my well working uterus and surgically replaced it with a defective one?

Becky: No they took out your liver and you now have two uterus'

Me: Wait. Why did they replace my liver with a uterus?

Becky: I don't have time to explain science to you Luna.

Mona: Dumb jocks…

Me: I think I take offence to the dumb jocks comment.

Becky: Dumb Olympians

Me: Much better. Thank you.

Packer Backers Looking For Love

So, I think I've mentioned before that I'm not sure if I want to get married, therefore crushing all of my mother's hopes and dreams, and I'm also not big on the whole dating thing either. I just like being single.

But the thing is now Dad's against me!

I found this link was posted on my Facebook page: http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap2000000341821/article/green-bay-packers-dating-site-is-open-for-business?campaign=Twitter_atl

A Green Bay Packers dating site.

Greenbaypackerslovers.com

The obvious question here is if this is a site for dating Packer players, in which case I might consider for the money, or just Packer fans?

Upon investigation...it's just the fans. I don't want to date them, they don't have the money and any money they do have just goes to the Packers.

They are just Packer Backers looking for love.

Too bad I don't meet the qualifications for signing up. I'm not looking for love nor am I a Packer fan.

My Whole Stupid Family Almost Died Last Night

My whole stupid family almost died on my last night.

And they didn't even tell me about it!!!

I'm scrolling through Facebook this morning and I come across a post from Mom:

I've mentioned before that Mona, Becky and I have a BIFFS group chat going on Facebook, while we also have a Famdamly chat going with Me, Mom, Dad, Mona and our honorary family member Becky. So I messed them right away.

Me: What where you guys doing last night?!?

Becky: sucking gas

Mom: Trying to see Jesus

Dad: I had to Dave the family from the grip of death. Somehow the gas stove was left on with no flame.
       
Save not Dave

Becky: thanks for daving us

Me: I don't think you guys should be left alone on Wednesday nights anymore (Mona, Becky and I go over to Mom and Dad's on Wednesday night and eat food. Mona and Becky spend the night and I go home to sleep in my own bed).

Nothing but deathly trouble every week.

Mom: Oh yeah the fire last week (last Wednesday their neighbor's house caught on Fire)...

           
Maybe you should stay from now on

   

Me: Do you all have wills drawn up

Mom: Never had a will. ..

Me: If you guys are going to try dying on me I think you should

Dad: Yes everything goes to my favorite daughter

Me: Yes, me, but if I could get that in writing

Mom: Probably should so you two don't fight over all or millions. . 

         
But you would've got it all. It was a serious thing. 

         
Upon reading you usually just don't wake up

Me: I KNOW!

Becky, you could also put me in your will if you would like

Becky: want my IPAD and TV? that's about all I have to give lol

Me: And any remaining money in your bank account. You may not have any now, but who knows if you die many years down the road and have money saved and didn't realize you didn't change your will for your husband and kids....I will get all of your money

Becky: And you can cash in my PTO (paid time off…we work together) or use it for vaca

Me: Hum...can you will someone your PTO?

Dad? Do you think you could do that? (Dad works in upper management in for our company)

I bet we can talk to a union rep...

Becky: If its in my will they can't deny it

Me: “My very last and greatest wish is that Luna get all of my PTO.”

Becky: I'll stop taking time off so it will grow and you will never have to worry about a day off in your life

Me: Thank you Becky

Dad: I'm pretty sure Luna’s going first, health u know

After awhile Mona decided to join. She doesn't work until two, so she misses out on most of our early morning chats. 

Mona: This is an interesting chat to catch up on!
   
Don't sign your Will over to Luna, she will murder you all

Mom: Agreed and we won't even know is happening

Becky: OMG! This is all part of her arch enemy (Yesterday we were watching Sherlock and they were talking about having arch enemies, so Becky and I decided to become each others)

Mom: Thanks Becky we were just collateral damage

Mona: She is the one who left the gas running. Luna, how could you do this to me! do you just want my $1,000ish money in my savings?

Mom: You guys have seen our banking

Me: Mona…
       
Way to ruin my plan.
       
And maybe I took some life insurance out on you guys as well
       
I mean don't listen to her!
       
She lies!

Mona: Luna, I thought you would include me in your plan...not "INCLUDE ME" in your plan!

Me: Mona you were giving me grief yesterday

Mona: I give you grief every day!

Becky: Luna I have nothing to offer you!

Mona: Except sweet sweet victory. It is all about the mind game!

Mom: It's really Becky she's in on it cuzz she got no money
         
She made up this nemesis story to trick us. . She pretended to be dead when I stared into her face listening for breath

Me: Becky isn't that clever

Mona: lol

Becky: Yes I am!

Mona: Oooo....good comeback

Becky: Thanks lol (I'm not sure if Becky caught the sarcasm in Mona's comment or if she actually took that as a compliment) 

All of our devious arch enemy plans aside, there was one thing bothering me...

I HAD TO FIND THIS OUT ON A FACEBOOK POST!!!!

Me: What I want to know Becky is why didn't you mention the fact that you all almost died when I talked to you at work this morning

Becky: near deaths happen to me all the time i'm used to it

Me: All my attempt at on your life my nemesis

Mona: you didn't ask if she almost died, that's why she didn't tell you

Becky: lol true you should have said "Becky how are you this morning? any near deaths?"

Me: Okay I'll start asking if there were any near death experiences since we parted last

Next we had to talk about all the symptoms of gas inhalation they were experiencing. 

Becky: I've feeling like i have to puke all day i hope i'm not dying from the gas
         
 Have you guys been feeling sick??

Mona; I feel kinda pukee

Becky: really?? so do i
           
its either the gas or the scones or the lack of Happy Endings (the tv show mom forgot to tape for us)

Mona: all of the above
           
I've pooped like 3 times already

Mom: I have a massive headache...we are ok its just what sometimes happens...should all be better tomorrow
           
Headache and nausea are the symptoms

Becky: i hope i didn't get brain damage

Mom: Nope just headache nausea or you don’t wake up
         
So if you two are puky I am headachy its was a miracle we are alive...

Mona: And I am poopie...don't forget about that!

Mom: That's good...leaving system.....let it flow let it flow (like frozen song)

Mona: That could be a PMS song too "Let it flow let it flow"

I wish I could say those last few lines were symptoms of the brain damage, but sadly they are not. 

How to Break an Egg

How fast can you crack an egg? 

Apparently, on Sunday, Mona got into it with some of our friends claiming that she could crack an egg the fastest. She did go to one semester of culinary school and worked in a hospital kitchen. Cracking eggs was her specialty.

Neil, who is almost done with culinary school and has worked in several different restaurants and catering places begged to differ. Claiming that he, in fact, was the fastest egg cracker in town. 

Among them were a few amateurs who threw their hats in the ring as well, claiming they could take a crack at their claims.

Several different techniques were discussed. The one handed, two handed, double eggs, crack on the bowl, or crack on a flat surface and such. The argument was heated. Words were said. Names were called. Friendships near lost. (note: I was not present at said argument, this is all hearsay and exaggeration). 

Yesterday it was time for them to put their skills to the test. 

We were all over at my parent's house when Mona came walking in with three cartons of eggs. She wanted to get more, but the gas station she stopped at had a sign restricting the number of egg cartons bought per customer. Apparently they don't like when you come in and try to buy six dozen eggs. 

The Speed Egg Cracking Contest was on!!

Mom got us some bowls and we divided the eggs up. There were enough for seven eggs apiece. 

The rules were simple: Crack the eggs as fast as you can without getting shells. First one done wins. 

Mona, Neil, Neil's twin brother, Ben, John, and I lined up around the table. Standing with our hands behind our backs we waited for Mom to count us down. 

"3...2...1....GO!!"

We were off! The sound of cracking eggs filled the air. The clicking of hard shells on bowls sounded like music to our ears. 

I didn't have time to pay much attention to everyone else as I was solely focused on breaking my eggs as fast as I could. I used the one egg, two hand approach. I would grab the fresh egg with my right hand, hit it hard on the bowl once and pull the shell apart with both of my hands. My left hand would discard the broken shell as my right hand reached for another egg. 

Guys...I don't cook a lot. I never claimed to be the fastest egg cracker around, but when I threw up my hands and yelled "DONE!" I looked around and saw everyone still cracking away! I had won! I beat them and the eggs!

Never have I been more proud of myself. What an life accomplishment. My new claim to fame. 

Egg Cracker Extraordinaire! 

John came in a close second, then Ben, and the two "cooks" of the group, who had bragged the most, Neil and Mona, came in last. Mona was dead last (Unless you count the one little egg shell that disqualified John).

What's your best egg cracking technique? And do you think you could win a speed egg cracking contest? 

Charles Conspiracy Theory

I think dark and twisted forces are at work to destroy my life.

Let me give you a little bit of back story to set up this situation of pure evil.

Back in July, I had this patient, we will call her Anna, who would come in all the time to see Leslie for braces. Every single time she came in or called she would try to set me up with her Nephew. Our conversations would go something like this:

Anna: Are you still single?

Me: Yes? (gosh, why don't I just lie in these situations) 

Anna: You really need to go out with my Nephew.

Me: Ummm.....I don't have time. Sorry. (oh please, please just let this go)

Anna: He works as a bartender. (Is that suppose to make me like him more?)

Anna: I'm gonna give him your work phone number. (Hell, no. I'll hang up the phone! Okay, so maybe I would politely tell him that he seems like a really great guy...but I'm just unable to go out with him at this time in my life)

Me: But there is my job and school and....I am just way too busy. (Maybe she sees the panic in my eyes and will let it drop now) 

Anna: You need to take a break sometime. Don't you want someone to hold your hand while you watch the fireworks on the Forth? (Gulp, did that sound like a threat?)

Me: ha. ha. (Why isn't she getting the hint!)

Anna: Will you at least think about it? (NO!)

Me: Yeah, I'll think about it. (Thought about it and it's still NO!)

Anna: I'm gonna make him drive me to my next appointment. (...!!)

Me: ha. ha.

Thankfully she didn't come in again. That is until last month.

Anna: You really missed out!

Me: What?

Anna: My nephew has gone and got himself engaged. That could have been you! You could have been my niece!

Me: Oh man! (Thank God) 

She came and went and I thought about how I had "missed out" on being her niece. I can't say I cried about it.

Then Friday happened.

Leslie, who she normally sees for her braces, is out on medical leave until February. The person who covers for Leslie is Charles. Yes that Charles.

Anyway, she was suppose to see him Friday, but with the weather she called to cancel her appointment.

Anna: I'm sorry I don't get to meet Charles today. I was really looking forward to it. Is he nice?

Me: Yes, he is a great (talking about in a professional way...like I am suppose to do...because it's my job), we can get you in with him next week if you still want to see him. (Me, again, being professional and doing my job) 

Anna: Is he single?

Me: Ummm...yes? (Is she looking for someone?)

Anna: Because I wanted to try and set you two up. (WHAT!! HELL NO!)

Me: Uh..no..I...umm...I don't...

Anna: Is he ugly? Is that why you don't want to go out with him?

Me: No...it's...just...no...he's alright...I just...I don't...(Pull it together you blubbering idiot!) 

Anna: You're just not looking for someone right now?

Me: Yes. (Oh, thank God, yes she gets it) 

Anna: I still want to meet this Charles.

Me: When you reschedule we can still get your appointment with him. (or not) 

I don't know why everyone is out to get me to go out with Charles. Even patients who have never met Charles are in on it. It's a conspiracy of pure evil.

My mother has started referring to him as my boyfriend to my extended family!!!

You accidentally go to a movie with a guy ONE TIME and everyone thinks your dating. I am never going to the movies with anyone ever again!!

Okay so maybe that's a little over exaggerated...I love going to the movies. So, I will never go alone with a guy again!

But then my mother might start thinking I like the ladies.

Maybe I should just go myself from now on. It will save me the trouble.