Thursday, April 17, 2014

My Whole Stupid Family Almost Died Last Night

My whole stupid family almost died on my last night.

And they didn't even tell me about it!!!

I'm scrolling through Facebook this morning and I come across a post from Mom:

I've mentioned before that Mona, Becky and I have a BIFFS group chat going on Facebook, while we also have a Famdamly chat going with Me, Mom, Dad, Mona and our honorary family member Becky. So I messed them right away.

Me: What where you guys doing last night?!?

Becky: sucking gas

Mom: Trying to see Jesus

Dad: I had to Dave the family from the grip of death. Somehow the gas stove was left on with no flame.
Save not Dave

Becky: thanks for daving us

Me: I don't think you guys should be left alone on Wednesday nights anymore (Mona, Becky and I go over to Mom and Dad's on Wednesday night and eat food. Mona and Becky spend the night and I go home to sleep in my own bed).

Nothing but deathly trouble every week.

Mom: Oh yeah the fire last week (last Wednesday their neighbor's house caught on Fire)...
Maybe you should stay from now on
Me: Do you all have wills drawn up

Mom: Never had a will. ..

If you guys are going to try dying on me I think you should

Dad: Yes everything goes to my favorite daughter

Me: Yes, me, but if I could get that in writing

Mom: Probably should so you two don't fight over all or millions. . 
But you would've got it all. It was a serious thing. 
Upon reading you usually just don't wake up


Becky, you could also put me in your will if you would like

Becky: want my IPAD and TV? that's about all I have to give lol

Me: And any remaining money in your bank account. You may not have any now, but who knows if you die many years down the road and have money saved and didn't realize you didn't change your will for your husband and kids....I will get all of your money

Becky: And you can cash in my PTO (paid time off…we work together) or use it for vaca

Me: Hum...can you will someone your PTO?

Dad? Do you think you could do that? (Dad works in upper management in for our company)

I bet we can talk to a union rep...

Becky: If its in my will they can't deny it

Me: “My very last and greatest wish is that Luna get all of my PTO.”

Becky: I'll stop taking time off so it will grow and you will never have to worry about a day off in your life

Me: Thank you Becky

Dad: I'm pretty sure Luna’s going first, health u know

After awhile Mona decided to join. She doesn't work until two, so she misses out on most of our early morning chats. 

Mona: This is an interesting chat to catch up on!
Don't sign your Will over to Luna, she will murder you all

Mom: Agreed and we won't even know is happening

Becky: OMG! This is all part of her arch enemy (Yesterday we were watching Sherlock and they were talking about having arch enemies, so Becky and I decided to become each others)

Mom: Thanks Becky we were just collateral damage

Mona: She is the one who left the gas running. Luna, how could you do this to me! do you just want my $1,000ish money in my savings?

You guys have seen our banking

Me: Mona…
Way to ruin my plan.
And maybe I took some life insurance out on you guys as well
I mean don't listen to her!
She lies!

Mona: Luna, I thought you would include me in your plan...not "INCLUDE ME" in your plan!

Me: Mona you were giving me grief yesterday

Mona: I give you grief every day!

Becky: Luna I have nothing to offer you!

Mona: Except sweet sweet victory. It is all about the mind game!

Mom: It's really Becky she's in on it cuzz she got no money
She made up this nemesis story to trick us. . She pretended to be dead when I stared into her face listening for breath

Me: Becky isn't that clever

Mona: lol

Becky: Yes I am!

Mona: Oooo....good comeback

Becky: Thanks lol (I'm not sure if Becky caught the sarcasm in Mona's comment or if she actually took that as a compliment) 

All of our devious arch enemy plans aside, there was one thing bothering me...

Me: What I want to know Becky is why didn't you mention the fact that you all almost died when I talked to you at work this morning

Becky: near deaths happen to me all the time i'm used to it

Me: All my attempt at on your life my nemesis

Mona: you didn't ask if she almost died, that's why she didn't tell you

Becky: lol true you should have said "Becky how are you this morning? any near deaths?"

Me: Okay I'll start asking if there were any near death experiences since we parted last

Next we had to talk about all the symptoms of gas inhalation they were experiencing. 

Becky: I've feeling like i have to puke all day i hope i'm not dying from the gas
 Have you guys been feeling sick??

Mona; I feel kinda pukee

Becky: really?? so do i
its either the gas or the scones or the lack of Happy Endings (the tv show mom forgot to tape for us)

Mona: all of the above
I've pooped like 3 times already

Mom: I have a massive headache...we are ok its just what sometimes happens...should all be better tomorrow
Headache and nausea are the symptoms

Becky: i hope i didn't get brain damage

Mom: Nope just headache nausea or you don’t wake up
So if you two are puky I am headachy its was a miracle we are alive...

Mona: And I am poopie...don't forget about that!

Mom: That's good...leaving system.....let it flow let it flow (like frozen song)

Mona: That could be a PMS song too "Let it flow let it flow"

I wish I could say those last few lines were symptoms of the brain damage, but sadly they are not. 

No comments:

Post a Comment