Now Is Not The Time!

This post contains spoilers for Fault in Our Stars. If you have not read the book or seen the movie and do not wish to know how this story about cancer kids ends, then stop right here (also you have been living under a rock)

Last night (or a few weeks ago...see this post for explanation) Mona and I dragged Becky out of bed to THREE DAYS to read the end at work without crying. I had to stop every time because I started crying in the break room. I finally gave up when Becky caught me crying in an empty room by myself. She looked at me like I was crazy. I decided to finish it at home where I could cry in the privacy of my own home without being judged by Becky who had yet to read the book!
go see Fault in Our Stars. If you haven't heard of this movie it's based off a book about cancer kids. Stupid sad. I'm not even kidding. I sobbed my eyes out while reading the end of the book. It was super embarrassing too because I was trying for

Anyways, I decided to commit myself to more torture and go and see the movie. I had my Kleenex ready to bawl through the entire movie.

I was near tears the whole time because I knew what was going to happen in the end...*SPOILER* Gus dies!!

As was getting towards the end of the movie, they were just finishing up their fake eulogy for Gus, we were all crying, because it was sad and crying is what you are supposed to do, when all of a sudden Mona looks over to me with a panicked-stricken look in her eyes and I notice she is...

...laughing hysterically!

Her head starts to whip back and forth between me and Becky as she tries desperately to stop laughing.

Between the look of panic and the snort of barley contained laughter I feel my laughter start to rise. I completely lost it! I covered my mouth in an attempt to control myself, but it wasn't much help.

There we were, in the middle of a movie theater, watching an extremely sad movie, they just announced that one of the main characters, a kid, died of cancer and all three of us are laughing uncontrollably! Guys this is not the time! I think that made it all the worse. We just sat there laughing and laughing. Disrupting the entire theater!

I think if you didn't know we were laughing you might have thought we were sobbing violently. Like the love of our lives had actually just died of cancer instead of us just laughing inappropriately...I really don't know what is worse...

We barley pulled it together after what seemed like an eternity...I think it was sometime between before the phone rang to announce the death and sometime after the funeral, I'm not really sure what happened in between there because I was trying to get it together.

We got ourselves under control and tried our best not to be disruptive during the last few minutes as she was reading Gus's letter.

The movie reached the end, the credits rolled, and everyone left the theater. As soon as the last person walked the door we looked at each other and burst out laughing. I mean really laughing. Not trying to hold any of it back.

Apparently what started it all was Mona leaning over to Becky and whispering, "Becky, get your shit together! You're whimpering!"

I feel like a terrible person, but I still can't help laughing about it. I mean it's not everyday you leave a sad movie laughing.

The Money Has Been Wired To Your Account

A little back story for this story: To make life easier my parents, my sister, and I all have our bank accounts connected so that if one of us goes in to a comma or dies it's easier to get at that person's money. Plus, it's also really nice for transferring money for different things. Group wedding gift? I'll buy it and take the money out of your account. Car insurance due? I'll just take it out of everyone's accounts and pay the bill.  Family plan phone? Just take my money! It's really handy. No cash or checks involved. 

Anyways, I've spent a lot of money these last few weeks due to it being Mona's 21st birthday, so I was running a little low in my checking account. I get this message from mom... 

Mom: I need to take, insurance, phone, wedding gift out of your bank account and you show you have $75...what shall i do

Me: How much do you need?

Mom: $230

Me: (after a moment) The money has been wired to your account.

Mom: What does that mean?

Me: I transferred the $230 to you.

Mom: At BMO (our bank) right???

Me: Where else? My offshore accounts? My pimp? The bank I robbed? The Monopoly bank?

Mom: Smarty mouth. I've never heard it called wired.

Me: It's a thing Mona and I are doing now. It's what they say in the movies when there are rich and shady business deals or blackmailing or drug deals going on. Instead of bringing cash you just give them an account number and they wire the money to your offshore account.

Mom: Oh I see.

Me: Every time I take Mona’s rent money out I have to say the money has been wired from you account to let her know I took rent money out.

Mom: Oh impressive.

Me: It makes us sound both rich and shady at the same time.

Mom: Oh yes indeed.

I think Mom's really impressed with us girls. She may have been thinking I was broke and didn't have enough money to pay the bills, but now she thinks I'm rich! And, now that I think about it, possibly shady. I never really clarified I got the money from (my savings account)...she probably thinks it was the Pimp. 

Why Have You Been Gone...?

...I'm lazy.

I haven't wanted to take the time to write and edit posts. Simple as that.

It's one of my major downfalls in life.

It's really an all encompassing downfall to have.

I know you might be thinking: Stop being lazy and get up! We need you to write! Deal with your problems!

And I would have to tell you: It's more of a disease than a problem. It's really uncontrollable! I was born this way! Bullies! You just don't understand! It effects every aspect of my life!

Now to make my point I'll explain all of the aspects of my life it effects...

1. Cleaning
It is a real chore. The only time I clean is an hour before people are actually coming over.

2. Friends
I don't like to invite people over...because then I have to clean. Not inviting people over can cause them to think you are rude and then they don't want to be your friends.

3. Cooking
I don't like to cook because it's too much work...I eat out most of the time. It gets expensive, so you could also classify this under "Money Problems".

4. TV
I have a hard time shutting off auto play on Netflix. I like to leave the controller across the room or on the floor and it's too much work to pick it up, so I just keep watching the show. The only thing that gets me up is Netflix asking me "Are you still watching? It's been hours! No person should be able to sit this long! Have you ever heard of exercise?Are you dead? ". Then I get really offended at Netflix and get up to get the controller just to click yes to spite them.

5. Work
It's so early in the morning, which makes it worse. My beauty routine is null. I do as little as possible to look presentable enough to be at work and leave. I even wear the same shoes everyday just because they are by the door when I go to leave.

5. Love
Boyfriends. I avoid them because they are WAY to much work...they are so high maintenance. I'd rather take a nap.

You really should feel sorry for me! I mean I live in a mess, I never have a good meal, I'm spiteful, I never look nice and to top it all off I'm loveless!

Living with laziness is a tough life.

Matchmaking

Becky: Martha said their new neighbor has a life sized TARDIS in their backyard!! Which she described as
"that big blue thing from that show". She said she would walk over with me and ask if I can take a pic in it.

Mona: You are such a nerd. If the neighbor man is single introduce him to Luna...actually DON'T!

Me: I think I'm offended! I don't know if it's more because you want to set me up or because you don't want me to date a nerdy man because I know you are thinking it will make me nerdier than I already am...

Mona:....yes.

Me: humph!

Becky: I just don't know if I want Luna to be with a nerdy man or the opposite of her?

Me: I'm not actually that nerdy of a person, I could meet a guy who is REALLY nerdy and we still wouldn't be the exact same.

Mona: You WILL become that much of a nerd.

Becky: It would just pull you deeper into your neediness.

Me: Is that a bad thing?

Mona: Yes.

Me: That's not very nice.

Mona: I like how she didn't say no to anything! She wants a man.

Becky: And she wants us to find her one!

Me: No. That is not the case whatsoever!

Mona: OMGGGG! You are so right Becky! Shall we begin?

Me: NO! NO! NO! NO!!!!!

Mona: Challenge accepted!

Me: Dear lord NO!

Yesterday's Weird Stories From The Clinic

The Fish Hook

Albert the Maintenance Guy: I got a call because there was a fishhook caught in the carpet.

Me: How did that even get here?

Albert: I have no idea.

Me: Maybe someone was trying to do their own stitches?

The Phone Call

Me: Hello

Woman: You need to talk to her! She says she's sick and won't come to her appointment and you need to talk to her and tell her she has to come!

Me: Excuse me?!?

Woman: I talked to you before and you need to talk to my daughter (14 years old) and tell her she needs to get up and come to her appointment. (I had never talked to this women before in my life) 

Me: Me?!? (my voice squeaked a little)

Woman: (to me) Yes. (to the girl) Get up! You need to talk to this lady about your appointment RIGHT NOW!

Girl: (in the background) I'm going to call the police! Get your hands off me!

Woman: Shut up! I'm just trying to hand you the phone! Take it!!

There was a long pause and then the phone clicked off.

I moved the phone from my ear and stared down at it for a moment completely baffled by the conversation that had just taken place. I don't think talking unruly 14 year old girls into coming to their appointments is in my job description.

A few moments later the phone rang again.

Woman: It's me again. She hung up the phone! She pulled this with her eye appointment on Monday and we had to cancel. She need to get her lazy a** up and come to her appointment. Let me just see if I can get this door open and give her the phone. (to the girl) Open up this door right now!!

Girl: I'm calling the police for child abuse!

Woman: If your going to call the police for child abuse you have to open the door!!

I sat there speechless and listening intently in case I needed to call the police.

Woman: (to me) Here she is! (to the girl) Take the phone and talk to the lady!

Girl: Hello.

Me: Um...hi. I guess your mom wanted me to talk to you about your appointment today?

Girl: Yeah. I'm not feeling well.

Me: Um...well if it's about your neck pain physical therapy will help in the long run.

Girl: It's not my neck. I've been throwing up.

Woman: (in the background) Who knows if your faking!

Girl: (to woman) I am not faking! You never believe me!

Me: Um...I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Um...I guess your mom really wants you to come to therapy today?

Girl: I'm not feeling well.

Me: Um...okay. Well...this is really something you should be working out with your mom. Can you put your her back on the phone?

Girl: Yeah.

Me: Um...thanks for talking to me?

Woman: Hello.

Me: Um...she says she's not feeling well...

Woman: I just never know when she's lying.

Me: Do you want to reschedule?

Woman: She needs to come.

Me: Um...so do you want me to leave her appointment?

Woman: I can't get her up.

Me: Um...I...(not knowing what to do)...I can't make her come in either.

Woman: When can you get her in next?

Me: Friday?

Woman: Fine. (to the girl) Come talk to the lady again.

Me: What?!?

Woman: I want her to promise you she will come in. (to the girl) I want you to promise you will go to your appointment!

Girl: Hello.

Me: Um...we reschedule your appointment for Friday?

Girl: Okay.

Me: Um...okay.

The Patient

Kim: I don't like that patient.

Me: Why?

Kim: While we were working in the gym she took her shirt off.

Me: What?!?

Kim: I don't know who she was trying to impress. I certainly wasn't.

The Video Store

Monday night is Bachelor/Bachelorette night at our house. We all get together and watch the show and eat food and drink coffee. I fight liking the show, because I dislike the premise, but all the drama draws me in. It's funny because every time we invite someone new they give us looks, like "that's what you do with your life?" But then they join us once for the company and they are hooked. We laugh and make up nick names for everyone, because it's impossible to remember everyone's names. Last season there was a women who was an opera singer and she wore a dress that showed side boob, so from there on out Side Boob was her name. Then this season there is a male opera singer and so we started calling him Side Boob, but then we ended up not liking him so we changed his name to Side Peck to make him sound more like a jerk. 

Well anyways, yesterday, it wasn't on because Hillary Clinton was giving a speech or some such nonsense. I dislike politics. We still wanted to get together, but none of us wanted to watch Hillary, so Mona suggested the movie Reality of Love...formally known at I Want To Marry Ryan Banks (a much better title if you ask me). I Want To Marry Ryan Banks was a 2004 made for TV ABC Family Original Movie of a behind the scenes look at a show similar to the Bachelor. It was re-released in 2012 under the title Reality of Love to generate more movie rentals. I hate the new name, but I like the movie. It's got Bradly Cooper in it, before he was famous. 

Anyways, I was in charge of finding the movie to watch. I couldn't find it anywhere online and it wasn't at a Redbox near me, so I told Mona I would stop after work to check Family Video. 

This is the conversation that took place at 8:00 PM when Mona got home from work:

Mona: Did you get the movie? 

Me: Umm....

Mona: That was your one job! You told me you were going to Family Video right after work!

Me: That's what I say to myself every time I try to return a movie! And that never turns out well. Why would you think I'd remember this time! 

I got in my car, ran to the bank to get cash (because that's all they take and I always have late fees), and went to Family Video.

I grabbed the movie and went up to the counter to check out dreading the amount of fines I would have. I haven't been here in awhile. 

Turns out my phone number was still attached to my parents account and they were forcing me to open a separate one. NO FINES! I'm in! 

Video Store Guy: Can I get your phone number again.

Me: Sure. (I gave him my phone number)

Guy: Do you have a second to activate the account?

Me: Sure. (Weird question, but I can wait)

Guy: (After a moment) Do you have a second to activate the account? 

Me: Umm...sure...(Didn't we just go over this? This is really weird!)  

Guy: A second phone number. 

Me: (Really?!) NO! 

I think I gave him a really dirty "are you crazy" kinda look when he clarified he was looking for a second PHONE number and not asking me to wait a second. Who really has a second phone number these days? 

Needless to say he was still able to activate the account without a second phone number. And besides the communication delay I was registered quickly. 

And because I was a new account I got the movie free!

I told myself I was going to return it this morning, so I could start out fresh and not get late fees...

...yeah that didn't happen. 

The Back Up Plan

Mona: Can we get a tour bus?

Me: Sure! That would be great! I was thinking the other day that if you died I would become a legitimate gypsy, so a tour bus would be a good investment.

Mona: Huh, a gypsy...? Only if you take me with.

Me: You mean like your ashes?

Mona: Yeah and you can sprinkle a little bit of me in every place you go.

Me: Okay. Our first stop would probably be Austria to visit Tammy. That way we have some place to stay and won't cost so much money.

Mona: Sounds like a good plan. I'll do the same if you die first. Just promise me one thing...

Me: Yes?

Mona: Promise me you'll find true love. I'll make it part of my will.

Me: Um, okay. That will insure I get your millions of dollars.

Mona: Can you see if I put that in and years from now, when you are already married, I tell you to find love to get my money.

Me: I'd tell my husband I have to go out and find my true love, because Mona obviously thought you weren't it.

Mona: Your poor husband.

Me: So when you die I will travel the earth spreading your ashes and looking for my true love. Sounds like a great plan!

Mona: Sorry I'm holding you back...

Me: I'd rather stay here with you.

Taxidermy Gift Ideas

Last night, around one in the morning, as I was asking my roommates for this month's rent, I asked how they would feel about me starting a taxidermy collection.

Kat: (with a high pitched squeak to her voice) That would be great...

Candy: (running towards the door) Well, it was nice living with you guys! Bye!

Mona: Can we please!!! Oh buy this! We could hang it on the wall in the dining room right above the table!

This is why I love Mona. 

It all started because I was looking for a birthday gift for her and you all know how that's been going so far ...I get easily distracted.

Well, this is what I was asking about getting, but there are lots of great options out there, so I wanted to run it by her and my roommates first.

Piranha

Here are some of our other options: 

Fortune Telling Squirrel

Alligator Claw

This one is Mona's favorite:

Puffer Fish Lamp

As we were searching through Etsy for different Taxidermy options, Candy was grossing out at everything!

Candy: Can't we get something cute instead?

Me: What animals do you consider cute?

Candy: Umm...ducks...

Me: Okay, lets me look up some ducks!

A moment later...

I don't even know

Okay, so maybe ducks aren't that cute anymore...I might have nightmares about that one. Maybe this whole taxidermy thing isn't that great of an idea...

Then this morning, after I got over the trauma that was that duck, I decided to kept looking.

GUYS I THINK I FOUND THE PERFECT ONE!!

Background Info: Mona and Candy both sing and play guitar and go busking.

I sent everyone this picture over Facebook:

Me: What about this one?

Busking Duck

Mona: How fitting!

Candy: This quacks me up!

Me: Is that a yes?

Candy: Duck yes it is!

Now if anyone has $50 they want to loan me...Taxidermied animals are expensive! Fifty dollars? Really? No wonder I haven't started collecting Taxidermy before, maybe I'll start a rock collection instead. It may not be as cool, but it's cheaper!

Zombie

It's a nice sunny day out, so I decided to go for a walk on my break. I donned my tennis shoes and set off. I
was glad to be out of the stuffy clinic building and out in the sunshine.

Once I was a few paces out the door I remembered I had a blister on my heel. I thought about turning back, but figured I could tough it out enough to make it around the block. I'm not that big of a baby. So I continued walking. Around half way I developed a slight limp to my swagger due to the previously mentioned blister being aggravated.

As I was limping along I came upon a middle aged couple out in their yard. They were in their grungy work clothes covered in sweat and dirt which gave off the impression of being hard. The man had his back to me and was holding a large pole, nearly 10 feet long, with sharp clippers on the end. He was reaching up and clipping the dead branches off a tree far above his head. Each clip ringing a sense of impeding danger.

As I got closer the woman stopped suddenly and stared me dead in the eye. She grabbed the man's arm and whispered, "Herb, stop," he immediately froze in place, "we've got a walker." The man stood still with the long pool suspended in the air, he didn't even move to look at me. The woman remained in eye contact with me as I slowly limped past her.

I have never felt more like a zombie!!!

The rough looking people, the limp, being called a "Walker" (Walking Dead style)! Sure they might have just been trying not to kill me by dropping a dead branch on my head as I walked passed, but you've got to admit it was pretty zombie like!!

After I passed the couple I wondered what if I really was a zombie and didn't know it? Do you think zombies know they are zombies? I didn't have an urge to eat their brains, but if I was a zombie would I find it weird if I did or would I just think it's my normal existence? Would I even remember being alive instead of undead or would it be some type of reincarnation scenario where I don't remember who I was in my past life?

These are the kind of questions that keep me up at night...

Washington DC

So, I was online the other day looking for birthday gift ideas for Mona (she turns 21 on the 23) and one thing led to another and I ended up buying us tickets to go to Washington DC for my birthday in September.

I know you're thinking, "But you were looking for Mona! How could you buy yourself a gift?", the answer is very easily.

I was flipping through all of my normal gift giving sites and Googling great gift ideas and I somehow ended up on this cheep ticket site and they told me I could go to DC in September for under $100 round trip.

How could I pass that up? It was literally on my birthday too! I know I was suppose to be looking for Mona, but I just couldn't help myself. Plus, it's really for Mona too. I like to travel and I don't like to do it alone, so I always for Mona to come along with me.

When I talked to Mona about it, she said she was all in. She didn't like when I suggested that be here birthday present. "Can't it just be an 'I'm special' present?", she asked. She's a spoiled brat. (love you Mona!)

Mom wasn't too happy about the trip

Me: So I might have bought myself a birthday present last night...

Mom: Roller blades?

Mona: Haha

Me: No that is not my birthday gift. It's not roller blades. Don't be crazy.

Mom: Well.....

Me: I might have bought two tickets, i found super cheap, to DC in september

Dad: Weekdays in dc

Mom: Luna...You have to get rid of this travel bug....our trip up north cost us a ton of money and we didn't have all those other expenses

Me: I couldn't help it! They were SO cheap!!

Dad: What's in DC?

Mom: Luna...You are saving for a coffee shop

Me: EVERYTHING! And Everything there is basically free! (ignoring my mother and answering Dad’s question)

Dad: Ok then I'll go

Mom: I don't think she is asking you....For how long...i am not kidding it cost us over 500 closer to 700

Me: Just four days Saturday through Tuesday. Dad if you want to buy your own ticket you are more than welcome to come

Mom: I am really shocked..you are adults so do what you must. And I am sure you will have an amazing time!!! Gma said its really scary there, and getting into tours will be your best bet. Don't mean to be Debbie Downer, just taken back a wee bit. I am sorry.

Me:I just couldn't help it...There are so many tours and everything I have looked at and want to do there is free admission and free tours. Did you know if we want to tour the white house we have to contact our congressman at least 3 weeks before our trip to get approval? But it's free too!

Becky: I'll ask him for you (referring to the congressman, who is her neighbor who she has never spoken to.)

Me: Thanks Becky. (I'm a little concerned we will not be able to tour the White House because Becky is our congressman's neighbor...)

I know it's probably not the smartest thing to do, but I can't help it! The tickets were so cheep! And there are so many cool things to do in DC! I'm a history tour nerd! AND MOST OF THEM ARE FREE. Check out this website...100 Free (& Almost Free) Things To Do In DC! 

I'M SO EXCITED!!!