Don't Quote That!

I've decided to stop talking to Mona.

Why you may ask? Facebook. She has decided to start quoting everything I say on Facebook!!! Okay, so maybe she's only done it twice, but still! Both quotes were taken completely out of context and make me sound insane!!


The First Facebook Quote:

"Speaking of surrogates...Squid Vaginas. 
Not a lot is known about them"

First of all, I was misquoted! The "..." part of the conversation, which Mona so conventionally claims she didn't hear, I said "I read an article today about". Go, on. Go back and reread the sentence replacing the missing words. See? It sounds way less weird. Okay, so maybe it's still a little weird that I'm reading articles about squid vaginas in the first place and talking about them, but not as weird as Mona made it out to be. Right? [If you're so inclined here's the article in question: Squid Lady Parts]

Second, she fails to mention the reason we were "speaking of surrogates" to begin with. Mona has been trying to pimp out my vagina and uterus for the last several months so we can make $20,000 to help us open our coffee shop. Try and tell me that's not worse! That's WAY worse than me talking about squid vaginas!

The Second Facebook Quote:

"I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men"

COMPLETELY TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!!! She makes me sound like a whore! Did I actually say that out loud? Well, yes. Those words did come out of my mouth, but in my defense, it's not what it sounds like! I swear!

It went down something like this:

Me: I'm thinking about joining a dating website. (A highly unusual thing to come out of my mouth) 

Mona: What?!? (she said shocked) Why? (she asked suspiciously) 

Me: Well, it's just that OkCupid...

[you know the dating site that admitted to experimenting on their customers]

Mona: No, you can not join a dating website to experiment with men. (creepy...she knows me too well) 

A few hours later at dinner with Dad...

Mona: Tell him what you told me earlier.

Me: About what?

Mona: You know.

Me: Oh...I told Mona I want to go on a dating website and experiment with men. (wait, I don't think that didn't come out right?) 

Mona: What?!?! (hysterical laughing) I'm quoting that on Facebook!

Me: Not again!

Let me just clarify what I meant by "experiment". I meant it as more of a social experiment type thing. Like is love really blind? Will they like me more if I have certain pictures or bios? What if I'm more open or more mysterious? How does perception change thinking? Those types of things. Not anything strange. Okay, it's still weird. I was just thinking about it.I won't actually do it.

I honestly think Mona is lashing out and posting these things out of spite. You conduct one or two social experiments on your sister and you'd think it was the end of the world! I gave her fair warning! It's not my fault she felt manipulated! But that's a story for day.

Like I said at the beginning. I'm done talking to Mona. That will solve all of my problems!